Sweet Pandemonium
by JakeHarrisLover
Summary: Josh Harris had a one night stand with a girl and now he cant get her out of his head. What happens when she shows up months Later as the new greenhorn, and his little brother's girlfriend? DEADLIEST CATCH. please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I can't believe I'm starting a new story! I hope you like it :)  
A shout out to Darkheart99 and her extreme love of Josh's "tuggable ears." :).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything/anyone from deadliest catch.  
(Even though I would pay a pretty penny for Jake. *growl*)  
At least Ryder is mine yay!**

Joshua Harris stood in his bathroom trimming his beard. He was getting ready to go out for the night with his friends. Once he was he satisfied he dusted the fallen hair off of his toned shoulders and chest. He walked into his bedroom, pulled on a pair of fitted jeans and a black long sleeve button up shirt. He tied his black DVS shoes and headed into his living room. "Are you ready to go?" He asked his friend Matt who was currently sprawled out across his couch. Matt stood up and straightened his shirt. "Yeah dude." He replied. They got into Matt's car and tore out of the driveway. Matt reached behind him and began digging around the back seat. "What the hell are you doing?" Josh asked. Matt turned around and tossed something into Josh's lap. "You're going to need that." Matt said as he lit a cigarette.  
"What the hell is it?"  
"It's a mask."  
"For what?"  
"We're going to a masquerade party."  
Josh laughed, "What the hell dude are we in high school?"  
"Chill. It's going to be sweet."  
Josh looked down at his mask. It wasn't going to show anything above his lips. Usually he wouldn't have agreed to go to something so cheesy but he had just broken up with his fiancé and he was up for anything. They picked up two more of their friends and then headed to the party. Josh and his friends pulled on their masks and then stepped out of the car. Josh looked up at the house as he walked up the driveway. It was massive and packed with people. The music was blaring and he could smell the alcohol in the air. Josh smiled as two curvy masked girls walked past him. _'Maybe this party won't be so bad after all'_, he thought to himself.

He and his friends separated as soon as they got inside. It felt odd being in a house where every single person was wearing a mask. He wove his way threw the crowd to a keg. He filled a red cup with beer and rolled his eyes. _'God this feels so much like high school'._ Josh noticed a girl standing across the room standing by herself. He couldn't imagine why she was alone. She was tall and thin, the tight black jeans she was wearing hugged her perfectly curved hips. Her breasts were just the right size and her low cut top was teasing him. Her hair was thick and jet black, it trailed all the way down her back. She had light brown skin that he wanted to taste every inch of. Her mask covered everything above her lips just like his did, but as he got closer to her he saw that she had startling blue eyes. "What's up?" He asked once he was directly in front of her. The girl surveyed Josh's tall frame and smiled. "I don't know. I think this party is pretty lame." She replied.  
"Maybe I can fix that."  
"Maybe you can." She said smiling.  
"What's your name?"  
"Ryder. Yours?"  
"Josh."  
Ryder outstretched her hand, "Nice to meet you Josh."  
Josh shook her hand and then threw his arm over her shoulder. "Want to go somewhere quieter?"  
Ryder smiled, "there's not many people in the back yard."  
She shook his arm off of her and grabbed his hand. She led him through the crowd and outside. They sat down in the grass away from everyone. "So tell me about yourself. "Josh said as he watched Ryder twirl a dandelion between her fingers. She dropped it on the ground and looked up at him. "Hmmm I'm 21, I'm Indian and Norwegian, I just dropped out of college, and I like anything and everything chocolate."  
Josh laughed, "Why'd you drop out of college?"  
"I'm tired of school. I want to do something exciting."  
"Like what?"  
Ryder threw her hair over her shoulder and smiled, "I haven't decided yet. Your turn."  
"I'm 26, I'm Polynesian and Norwegian, I work with my dad and brother, and I like fast cars."  
"You're half Norwegian too? We should make babies."  
Josh laughed, "Maybe we should."  
"So it must be pretty cool getting to work with your little brother."  
Josh ran his hand through his hair, "It used to be cool, but we don't really get along while we're working anymore. He's a dick now."  
Ryder shook her head,"_ Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."_  
"What's that?"  
" It's a quote by Henry Wordsworth Longfellow. It's my favorite."  
"Why?"  
Ryder shrugged, "I don't know it just is."

Josh spent the next hour and a half sitting in the grass talking to Ryder. All he could see of her face was her lips and eyes but he still thought she was beautiful, and she could hold a conversation. She was confident, educated, mature, but still outrageously funny. "Are you going to try and kiss me or am I going to have to go find someone else who will?" Ryder asked as she leaned forward slightly. Josh didn't need to be asked twice. He lent in the rest of the way and kissed her. He ran his tongue gently over her lips and she instantly gave him access to the inside of her mouth. Ryder smiled, "I'm glad I didn't go find someone else." Josh smiled and lent back in. She tasted of mint and sugar, and Josh couldn't get enough. Ryder tore her lips away from his and placed kisses along his neck and cheek until she got close to his ear, "Take me somewhere." She whispered. Josh licked his lips and stood up pulling her with him. They walked quickly back inside and Josh pulled her into the first empty bedroom he found. Ryder unbuttoned his shirt and shirt and kissed and nibbled along his chest. Josh placed a finger under her chin and brought her lips back up to his. He ran his hands through her hair as he invaded her mouth with his tongue. She flicked the tip of his nose with her tongue and then took a step back. She pulled her shirt over her head and unhooked her bra. Ryder let it fall over arms and onto the floor before grabbing Josh by his belt loops and pulling him towards her. Josh reached up and stroked her cheek before pulling her mask off. She was even more beautiful than he had expected. Josh reached up to take off his own mask but Ryder grabbed his wrist. "Leave it on." She commanded.  
"Why?" Josh asked.  
"I like it. It's a turn on."  
Josh smiled and led her over to the bed. Ryder laid down and pushed her jeans over her hips. Josh grabbed the bottom of her pants and pulled them off. He slowly unbuckled his belt, savoring the look of desire on Ryder's face. After he kicked off his shoes and stepped out of his pants and boxers he knelt down and kissed Ryder from the knee all the way up her thigh. When he reached the elastic of her underwear he pulled them off and tossed them onto the floor. Josh positioned himself at her entrance but didn't enter her. He bent down and kissed her instead. Ryder pulled her lips away from his, "Hurry up!" She whined. Josh smirked and pushed himself inside of her. Ryder moaned loudly and dug her nails into his arms as he entered her. Josh knew he was stretching her and relished in the fact. Ryder writhed in pleasure beneath him as he increased his speed. After fifteen pleasure filled more minutes Josh collapsed on top of her. It only took a moment for him to regain his strength and then he rolled off of her. Ryder smiled, "I like you Josh." Josh laughed, "I like you too." She stood up and began putting her clothes back on. Josh stood up and followed suit. Once they were completely dressed Ryder pulled Josh close to her and kissed him.  
"So when can I see you again?" Josh asked.  
Ryder bit her lip, "You can't."  
"What? Why not?"  
Ryder shrugged, "this was just a one time thing."  
Josh was completely thrown off. "I thought you said you liked me?"  
"I do like you. That doesn't mean we have to see each other again."  
Ryder kissed Josh on the cheek and then exited the room.  
'What the hell?' Josh thought angrily. He ripped his mask off and threw it on the floor. He exited the room and walked into matt. "Hey bro!" Matt said happily, "I've been looking for you! …Where's your mask?"  
"I lost it." Josh replied, "Are you ready to get out of here?"  
"Hell yea dude. You were right this party sucks."

Matt dropped of Josh off home and then sped off. Josh walked into his bedroom and quickly undressed. He climbed into his bed and attempted to sleep. It quickly became apparent that he wouldn't be able to. He was incredibly irritated. Josh usually would have been really happy about getting laid by a hot chick but he had actually liked Ryder. He had been planning on asking her out on an actual date and he couldn't believe how she had played him. Josh punched his pillow into a more comfortable shape and rolled over. _'Just forget about her. She's just some girl'_. Eventually Josh fell asleep but images of Ryder danced in and out of his dreams.

**Please review :) I would love to know what everyone thinks so far :). **

**Plus they help with the writing process  
and keep me motivated :)  
Thanks for reading :).**


	2. Chapter 2

Ryder placed her key in the front door and opened it as quietly as possible. She slipped inside and gently closed the door. She tip toed down the hallway hardly daring to breath.  
She opened her bedroom door and sighed with relief. Ryder dropped her keys on the night stand and flipped on the light. She looked up to see the reason she had entered the house so quietly glowering at her from her bed. "Where the hell have you been?" Her brother Cody asked angrily. Before she could answer he had already strode across the room and grabbed her around the throat. He shoved her against the wall and she gasped in pain as her head slammed against it.  
"Get the hell away from me Cody!" She yelled as she tried her hardest to kick him away from her.  
"I said where the hell have you been."  
"With my friends."  
"Liar." He hissed, "I can smell cologne on you. You're a slut."  
Ryder spit in his face causing him to release her. Without hesitation she ran to the bathroom and locked the door. Seconds later she heard Cody's body collide with it. "You have to come out eventually." He whispered murderously.  
"Fuck you!" She yelled back. Ryder jumped as he kicked the door but moments later she heard him walk away. Ryder turned on the shower and began to peel off her clothes. She sighed with relief as the hot water made contact with her skin. Ryder fought the urge to cry. She had learned a long time ago crying didn't get her anywhere. All it did was make Cody angry. Their mother had died when she was 15 and Cody was 18. The next year their father committed suicide, and all they had left was each other. Instead of bringing them closer together it tore them apart. Before their parents had died Cody had been sweet, understanding, and protective when he needed to be, but immediately afterwords his personality began to change drastically. He was angry, violent, unpredictable, and possessive. She never brought friends home and he had never allowed her to have a boyfriend. When she left for college she finally felt free. It had been her escape and she loved it. Cody however grew angry when she ignored all his Phone calls. One night he got drunk, showed up at her dorm, made a scene, and got her kicked out of school. Now she was stuck with the one person she would do anything to get away from. Ryder thought about Josh and how sweet he had been to her. It felt good to be treated nice for once. When she told him that she liked him she had meant it, but Cody would never allow her to be happy. That was the reason she told Josh to keep his mask on. She didn't need his face haunting her. There was no point wanting what she couldn't have.

Two days later Josh was drinking at a local bar with Matt and their friend Jay. "Dude that girl is checking you out." Jay said as he nudged Josh. Josh took a swig of his beer and smiled, "What girl?" Jay nodded at a girl sitting with her friends on the opposite side of the bar. "I'm not really interested." Josh replied. "Dude how can you not be interested! You just got out of a relationship with the worlds biggest bitch! You should want to hump anything with a pulse." Josh choked on his beer and laughed, "You know Jay you're really charming. I can't imagine why you haven't had a girlfriend in three years."  
"Yeah me neither."  
Josh rolled his eyes and studied the girl across the bar. She had wavy blond hair and was extremely curvy.  
She wasn't stunning but she wasn't terrible to look at either.  
Josh stood up and walked over to her. As he got closer her friends all leaned in and whispered to each other. Josh began to have second thoughts he hated when girls acted like that. "How about I buy you a drink?" He asked when he reached the table. "Sure." She replied as she smiled and stood up. Josh placed a hand on the small of her back and led her to the bar.  
"So what's your name?" He asked.  
"Roxy." She replied.  
Josh could hear how nervous he was and had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. He liked girls with confidence.  
"I'm josh." He said unenthusiastically, "What do you want to drink?"  
Roxy twirled her hair around her finger and smiled, "Um how about Jack and coke?"  
Josh ordered her drink and had to stop himself from tuning her out. He had no interest in anything she was saying.  
"So what's your type?" Roxy asked.  
It took a moment to for Josh to reply, he had been more focused on the buttons on his jacket than what she was saying. "I like tall girls, with dark hair and colored eyes."  
Roxy shifted uncomfortably, "so pretty much the opposite of me then?"  
Josh had described Ryder without even thinking about it.  
She had floated in and out of his mind numerous times over the last couple days. He tried to keep his mind off of her but he couldn't help thinking about her. She had made an impact on him even though she had basically used him. Ryder was the first girl he had hooked up with after breaking up with his fiancé' and it wasn't just because she was beautiful, which she undeniably was, there was just something about her that he was drawn to. Roxy was right his type was the complete opposite of her, but he was too nice of a guy to say it. Josh smiled, "I like blonds too." He saw relief spread across Roxy's face and again had to fight the urge to roll his eyes.

Josh continued to talk to Roxy for the rest of the night and the more she drank the more she showed her true personality. He couldn't understand how anybody could like her. She was cocky, loud, and was one of those girls who pretended to be stupid because she thought it was cute.  
"So do you want to get out of here?" Roxy asked.  
"Uh..." Josh didn't particularly want to; he found little to nothing about this girl attractive, but he hoped that maybe hooking up with her would take his mind off of Ryder. "Sure why not." He replied.

When they arrived back at Josh's house he led her to his bedroom. She began to strip her clothes it wasn't sexy the way Ryder had done it, Roxy looked like an inexperienced teenager. _'Stop comparing her to Ryder!'_ He thought angrily.  
Roxy reached forward and unbuckled his pants. She pushed him onto the bed and wrapped her hand around his shaft. He released a small moan as she slowly moved her hand up and down. Josh's heart beat faster as she wrapped her lips around him. Josh threw his head back. "Ryder." He moaned. Roxy immediately pulled away. "Excuse me?" She said angrily.  
Josh sat up and buckled his pants, "What's wrong?"  
He hadn't realized he had said Ryder's name.  
"You just called me Ryder!"  
"No I didn't." Josh denied it even though he knew he must have. How else would Roxy know Ryder's name?  
"Yes you did." Roxy stood up and hurriedly pulled on her clothes. Josh rubbed his eyes wearily and fought a strange urge to laugh. "Ill drive you home."  
"I can call a cab." Roxy said angrily.  
Josh had no interest in Roxy but he still felt bad for hurting her feelings. "Look I'm sorry. Let me just drive you home ok?"  
"Fine." Roxy said after a few moments.  
When they got into his car Roxy gave him the directions to her house and then refused to speak to him the rest of the drive. Josh wasn't complaining the whole situation was really awkward.  
He couldn't believe he had said Ryder's name. He had only met her once and he was moaning her name while he was with another girl? _'Get a grip'_ He thought to himself, _'your acting crazy.'_ When he pulled up to Roxy's house she slammed his door and stormed angrily up the driveway. Josh rolled his eyes and sped away. _'I'm not crazy'_ He decided,_' her name shouldn't have started with an R.'_ Since he couldn't get Ryder off of his mind he decided that he would just have to find her.

A week later Ryder was curled up on the couch watching a movie. Cody was getting ready for work and she couldn't wait for him to leave. The last few days had been hell and she had nothing to look forward to except him leaving for work every evening. Cody stood in front of the tv and crossed his arms.  
"Get the hell out of the way!" Ryder said angrily.  
"Shut the fuck up Ryder. You better be here when I get off of work." Cody replied.  
"Ok whatever."  
Cody left the house and slammed the door as hard as he could behind him. As soon as she heard his car pull away she headed into the bathroom and took a shower. Afterwards she pulled on a pair of skin tight skinny jeans and a low cut blouse. She quickly applied a thin layer of make up, slipped on a pair of black flats, and headed out the door. She hopped into the car and drove to a bar not to far from her house.  
Ryder hoped to meet a guy to spend a few hours with before Cody came home. Ryder was not a slut. Far from it, she just needed to feel like someone cared about her. Even if it was just for a few hours. No guy she hooked up with had ever made her feel as good as Josh had both physically and emotionally, but seeing him again was not an option. Her commitments couldn't last for more than a few hours, and she didn't know what he looked like anyway so it would be impossible to find him.

Ryder fixed her hair in the rear view mirror and then walked into the bar. Heads turned as she walked past but she made a bee line to the bar. "Can I have an adios please?" She asked the bartender.  
He raised his eyebrows, "Are you sure about that princess?"  
Ryder nodded and smiled. The bartender made the shot and then placed it in front of her. He reached up and rang a small bell. "Adios motherfucker!" He yelled. Ryder threw the shot back, the liquid burned her throat as it went down and the guys sitting at the bar banged their fists on the counter. A guy about her height walked up to her and leaned against the counter. "I've never seen a girl order an adios before." He said with a smirk on his face. "I'm not the average girl." She replied.  
He looked her up and down and smiled, "Yeah I can tell."  
Ryder grabbed the beer he was holding out of his hand and took a sip. "So what's your name?" She asked.  
"I'm Jake. You?"  
"Ryder."  
"Ryder. I like it. What kind of drink do you want?"  
"Just get me a beer."  
Jake smiled and ordered her a beer. He dropped some money on the counter and led her to a corner of the bar where there weren't people. As soon as they stopped walking Jake lent in and kissed her.  
The kiss was hungry and powerful and Ryder immediately gave him access to the inside of her mouth. Jake was the kind of guy she liked to hook up with. He didn't use a bunch of cheesy lines he just went after what he wanted. Jake removed his lips from hers and sucked gently on her neck. He placed his hands under her shirt and rubbed them over the small of her back. His hands were rough and calloused they reminded her of Josh's. _'Don't think about him.'_ She told herself. Ryder glanced up felt as if heart had stopped. "Oh my god Cody." She said in shock as her brother wove his way through the crowd towards her. The look on his face sent chills down her spine.  
Jake pulled away, "Who's Cody?"  
"My... My brother."  
Cody grabbed her by the arm and yanked her all the way out of the bar. Once they were outside he rounded on her, "Do you think I'm fucking stupid. I saw your car outside!"  
Ryder tried to yank her arm away from him. "Get the hell away from me Cody!" She screamed. Cody let go of her as she yanked away from him causing her to fall on the ground.  
Cody laughed at her and lit a cigarette. "Get the fuck up." He commanded. Before she had the chance to push herself up Jake had lifted her to her feet. "What the fuck is your problem?" Jake yelled as he advanced on Cody.  
"Mind your own business." he spat back.  
Jake punched Cody across the face making him stumble.  
Before Cody had a chance to swing back a security guard had grabbed him. Jake grabbed Ryder by the hand and led her to his car. Jake held the door open for her and she quickly got in.  
Jake climbed in and took off. "Where do you live? Ill take you home."  
Ryder ran her fingers through her hair.  
"I live with him." She buried her face in her hands, "He's going to kill me."  
"Well you can just stay with me then."  
"I can't stay with you."  
"Why not?"  
"Because I don't even know you. You could be a psychopath. I'll just get a hotel or something."  
Jake laughed, "do you have money for a hotel?"  
Ryder looked out of window. "No." She mumbled.  
"Don't worry I'm not a psychopath and Ill sleep on the couch."  
"Thank you." Ryder said quietly.

Jake unlocked his front door and clicked on the lights. Ryder looked around at his messy apartment and laughed. "Nice place." She said as she nearly tripped over a pair of shoes.  
"Yeah I just cleaned." Jake replied. Jake led her to his bedroom and threw all his clothes off of the bed. "I'll be in the living room if you need me." Jake said as he ran his hand through his hair.  
"You don't have to sleep on the couch its your apartment." Jake smiled. "I don't mind."  
"well I kind of want to be next to someone."  
Jake laughed, "ok ill sleep in here."  
Jake gave Ryder a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. She headed into the bathroom to change. Ryder splashed some water on her face and leaned against the wall. She couldn't believe Jake had turned out to be a nice guy. He had given her the distinct impression that he was an asshole. Ryder dreaded the moment she had to go home. She didn't even want to think about how angry Cody was going to be with her. When she exited the bathroom Jake was laying on top of the blankets in just his boxers. Ryder climbed onto the bed next to him and pulled the blankets over her. "Goodnight." Jake said as he unsuccessfully tried to stifle a yawn. "Goodnight." Ryder replied.  
Ryder knew right away it was going to be impossible to sleep.  
She watched the car lights swim across the wall as they drove by. "Jake?" She said quietly.  
"Hmmmm?" He replied.  
"Will you hold me?"  
Jake didn't reply he just rolled over and through his arm over her. He pulled her close to him and kissed the back of her head  
"Night Ryder." Jake mumbled, and then laughed.  
"What?" She asked.  
"Nightrider."  
Ryder laughed, "that was lame."  
She heard his breathing become deep and slow and knew that he had fallen asleep.  
Ryder felt much more relaxed with his arm around her and began to feel her eyes grow heavy. Within minutes she fell asleep, and for the first time in more than week she didn't fall asleep thinking about Josh, her faceless dream guy.

Josh was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. He had spent the week asking around about Ryder, but nobody he knew seemed to have ever met her. He had no idea why he couldn't forget about her all he knew was that he couldn't, and he didn't want to. He was determined. Josh knew that one way or another he would see her again.  
**  
Please review! And ill love you forever :)  
Don't worry ill still love you even if you don't...  
Just not as much ;). Hahaha jk (kinda)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N in response to a couple pms I received:  
no there isn't going to be any Jake POV at any point in the story (I know it hurts me too).  
BTW there isn't much Josh in this chapter :(. But he is the main character so don't worry he'll be back in full force chapter 4 :)**

**happy reading...**

When Ryder woke up the next morning it took her a few moments to remember what had happened the night before. It wasn't until she saw the fingerprint shaped bruises on her forearm that Cody had left that everything flooded back to her. She stood up and dragged her feel lazily to the living room where she found Jake lounging on the couch watching TV.  
"Was I that annoying in my sleep that you had to come out here?" Ryder asked as she sat down next to him.  
Jake laughed, "No I just wake up really early. Your phone went off a bunch of times while you were sleeping." Ryder stood up and walked back to the bedroom to retrieve her phone.  
"Fuck." She mumbled when she saw she had ten missed calls and voice mails from Cody. Ryder held the phone a few inches away from her ear as she listened to Cody yell obscenities and threaten her. "He's a real sweetheart." Jake said as he entered the room."I hate him." Ryder mumbled.  
"Why do you live with him?"  
"He's all I have left."  
Jake shook his head, "He's a prick. You can't go back there."  
"It's fine I've seen him angrier."  
Jake frowned and sat down on his bed, "It isn't fine. He's your brother he's supposed to look out for you! Not... do what he does."  
Ryder sat down next to him. "Its ok I'm used to it. Nothing he does hurts me anymore, and besides I have no where else to go."  
"You can live here."  
Ryder burst out laughing. Yeah right. We don't even know each other, and I don't have a job so I can't pay rent."  
"I can't let you go back to that. I just can't, and don't worry about rent my job pays well."  
"What do you do?"  
"I'm a deckhand on my dad's boat."  
"Oh. Well I guess maybe I can stay for a little while. Until I get a job and get and can afford my own place."  
Jake smiled, "Cool. We can go pick up some of your clothes while you're brothers at work or something."  
Ryder stood up and hugged him. "Thank you." She said quietly.  
"Uh you're welcome." Jake replied as he awkwardly patted her back. Ryder pulled away and Jake turned to leave the room but stopped suddenly. He ran his fingers through his hair, "Look I think you're hot as hell and last night under different circumstances I would have rocked your world."  
Ryder gave him a confused look. "Um ok." She mumbled.  
"But since we're going to be living together I don't think we should get involved." Jake continued.  
Ryder shrugged, "I don't do relationships anyway."  
Jake sighed with relief," Cool me neither"

Josh was sitting on Matt's couch playing video games. For the first time in days he was in a good mood. Although he really wanted to see Ryder again he had decided that dwelling over her wasn't getting him anywhere. Maybe if he was lucky one day he would bump into her, but if he didn't then there was nothing he could do about it. Josh was young, attractive, he had a good job, and he had no trouble with girls. He was aware of how good of a catch he was and if Ryder had thought that he wasn't good enough for her then she was the one with the problem not him.

"Do you want me to go in with you?" Jake asked as he pulled up outside of Ryder's house. "No its fine." She replied with a smile. Ryder got of the car and quickly walked up the drive way. She shoved as much clothes as she could into her mom's old suitcase, grabbed a few essential items, and ran back outside. When she got back to the car Jake was reclined in the drivers' seat with his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open. She slammed the door closed making Jake jerk awake. "Took you long enough." Jake mumbled as he shoved the key into the ignition. "Shut the hell up." Ryder replied.  
Jake smirked and sped off down the street.

Over the next few days Jake and Ryder spent most of the day at home together playing video games, watching movies, and eating the unhealthiest food they could get their hands on. It was the most time she had spent with a guy in years besides Cody. The most physical contact they had was at night when Jake held her while she slept. Besides that he was a complete gentleman. A well gentleman wasn't the best way to describe Jake, but at least he kept his hands to himself. Jake took a swig of his beer and glanced over at Ryder. "Out of curiosity why don't you do relationships?" He asked. "Cody wouldn't let me." She replied simply.  
Jake nodded and took another swig of his beer.  
"I've never met anyone I would want to be in a relationship with anyway." Ryder continued. She bit her lip and smiled slightly, "Well there was one person."  
Jake laughed," What was he like?"  
"He was sweet, funny, and a really good listener."  
"He sounds lame." Jake said with a smirk.  
Ryder punched him on the arm, "He wasn't lame! I only met him once but I really liked him."  
"Isn't that sweet!" Jake said obnoxiously, "What was his name?"  
"Josh."  
Jake gagged and shook his head. "I don't want to hear anymore."  
Ryder laughed, "why not?"  
"My brother's name is Josh."  
"So?"  
"When you say Josh I see my brother's face and that's gross."  
Ryder rolled her eyes, "Whatever. So was there anyone you ever wanted to be in a relationship with?"  
Jake looked up at the ceiling apparently deep in thought. After a few moments he looked back at her. "Mmmmm nope. I like to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want, and when you have a girlfriend they don't like it when you sleep with other girls for some reason."  
"Your such a guy."  
"Thank you." Jake winked and sprawled out across the couch and placed his legs in her lap. Ryder rolled her eyes and threw a pillow at him. She tried her hardest to ignore the rapid beating in her chest which had been occurring frequently over the past couple of days.

Over the next few weeks Ryder occupied Josh's thoughts less and less, and he felt that he was finally forgetting about her. He had hooked up with a couple of girls and undeniably they didn't come close to her, but Josh was slowly getting out of the habit of comparing everyone to her.

Ryder stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around herself. She walked into the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed. "If you touch my towel ill kill you." Ryder warned. She heard a small thump as Jake's hand fell limply onto the bed.  
Ryder turned to face him, "You're so predictable."  
Jake flipped Ryder off making her smirk. "Want to go to the bar tonight?" Jake asked.  
"Yeah I'm down." Ryder replied.  
"You might have to sleep on the couch tonight."  
"Why?"  
"Because ill probably bring a girl home. You can sleep in here if you don't mind sharing. There is plenty of Jake to go around"  
Ryder snorted, "um no thanks. Don't worry ill probably be hooking up with someone tonight too."

When they arrived at the bar Ryder turned to face Jake and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Good luck." She said with a smile. Jake smirked," I don't need luck. Look at me I'm irresistible."  
"Keep telling yourself that."  
Ryder turned and walked away from him. She headed to the bar and within seconds a guy game up to her. "Hey sexy." He said smiling. Ryder looked him up and down. He had a black buzz cut and bright green eyes. He was wearing a red plaid shirt and black jeans with converse. "Hi." Ryder replied sweetly.  
"Want to dance?"  
Ryder licked her lips, "Absolutely."  
She grabbed his hand and led him to the small dance floor.  
Ryder pressed her body against his and moved in time with the music. "I'm Jackson!" He yelled over the music. "Ryder!" She yelled back. She grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him. Jackson eagerly kissed her back and held her close to him. They danced for a few more songs and then Ryder led him back to the bar. Jackson bought Ryder a couple of drinks and she was soon very buzzed. She made out with him all through the night and wanted him to take her to back to his place. It wasn't until two in the morning that he finally asked. "Want to go back to my place?"  
Before Ryder could reply Jake slid in between them. "She's not interested." He said loudly.  
"Who the hell are you?" Jackson asked angrily.  
"Don't worry about it. I said she wasn't interested so get the hell out of here."  
Jackson turned and strode away angrily. Jake turned to face Ryder with an accomplished look on his face. "I wanted to go home with him!" Ryder said angrily.  
"He was a creep."  
"You don't even know him!"  
"Neither do you." Jake said simply.  
Ryder rolled her eyes, "I want to go home."  
Jake nodded and they wove their way out of the bar. Ryder didn't speak to Jake the entire way home.

When they arrived home Ryder stormed into the bedroom and began removing her jewelry and throwing it onto the dresser. Jake entered the room and sat down on the bed. "Calm down Ryder." He said wearily.  
"Why did you do that?" She yelled, "You messed everything up!" Jake quickly stood up and walked towards her. Ryder instinctively backed up against the wall. Jake placed a hand on the wall on either side of her. "You really want to know why?" He asked breathing heavily.  
Ryder narrowed her eyes and nodded.  
"Because I don't want anybody else touching you. I want you all to myself." He whispered. Ryder's heart was once again beating rapidly.  
"Kiss me." She said slowly.  
Without hesitation Jake crashed his lips down onto hers. Ryder threw her arms around his neck and pushed him towards the bed. They began to unceremoniously pull each others clothes off. "Are you sure about this?" Ryder asked breathlessly. Jake smiled and laid her onto the bed, "Yeah. I've waited too long for this."

After that night Jake and Ryder were together. Jake never officially asked Ryder to be his girlfriend. It was just a mutual understanding that they were a couple. It wasn't much of a relationship they were basically best friends who had sex exclusively with one another. Jake was still doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted he just didn't do it with other girls, and Ryder was trying to get used to not hooking up with a new guy every couple of days. Neither one had ever been in a relationship before but they were trying their hardest to make it work. Jake had been Ryder's savior from Cody, and Ryder had made Jake fall for someone for the first time in his life. It had been a month and a half since then and Ryder was sitting on the couch with her arms wrapped around her knees. Jake was getting ready to leave in a couple of days to go fishing and Ryder was dreading it. After she had moved out Cody had called her constantly, but Jake assured her that he would to protect her. Now Jake was leaving and she knew Cody would somehow find her. It would be the same as it was in college, as soon as she thought she was safe Cody would come back into her life and tear it to shreds. Jake walked into the room and plopped down on the couch next to her. "What's wrong?" He asked.  
"Nothing." She replied quietly.  
"Liar."  
Ryder rubbed her eyes with her palms, "I just don't want you to leave."  
"Why?"  
"I'm scared."  
Jake wrapped his arm around her, "What are you scared of?"  
"Cody."  
Jake sighed, "Yeah I've been thinking about him a lot and I don't think I can leave you here by yourself."  
"Jake you have to go it's your job."  
"I know. I was talking about bringing you with me."  
"You're crazy if you think I'm getting on a boat and going out in the middle of nowhere."  
"It's either that or stay here by yourself."  
Ryder buried her face in her hands and closed her eyes._ 'What am I more afraid of Cody or being stuck on a boat in the middle of the Bering Sea?' _She asked herself.  
Ryder looked back up at Jake. "How are you going to convince your dad?"  
Jake smiled, "Don't worry ill talk to pops. He'll come around."  
Jake kissed her on the cheek and laid down pulling Ryder with him so that she was lying on top of him. Ryder smiled and gently kissed him. Ryder loved Jake but she wasn't in love with him. There was something holding her back from giving him her whole heart and she wasn't quite sure what it was, but how could she not love him on some level? He had saved her.

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	4. Chapter 4

Josh yawned loudly and reclined in his seat slightly as his car inched forward through traffic. He was on his way to visit his father and was close to punching out his windshield. Josh liked to go fast and nothing infuriated him more than traffic.  
After an hour of driving at a snails pace Josh finally arrived.  
He walked up the gravel paved path that led to his father's trailer and knocked loudly on the door. "Hey son." Phil said happily as he swung the door open. He pulled Josh into a tight embrace and thumped him on the back. "How are you?" Josh asked as he pulled away and sat down on the couch.  
Phil lit a cigarette and sat down next to him. "Pretty good. Just getting ready to go."  
Josh laughed," Yeah I can't wait to get back on the boat."  
Phil took a drag off of his cigarette and scratched his beard.  
"Talked to Jake lately?"  
"No why?"  
"He called me up and asked if I would give his girlfriend a spot on the boat."  
Josh furrowed his eyebrows, he didn't even know that Jake had a girlfriend. "How did he take it when you said no?"  
"I didn't say no."  
Josh eyed his father suspiciously. He couldn't decipher if Phil  
was joking or not. "Well what did you tell him then?"  
"I told him she could do bait."  
"You're joking."  
Phil ashed his cigarette and laughed, "Nope."  
"Why would you tell him yes? He probably won't like her for more than another week and then we'll be stuck with her."  
Phil shook his head, "She's got problems Josh and your brother is helping her out. I'm proud of him."  
"What kind of problems does she have?"  
"Don't tell Jake I told you."  
"I won't."  
Phil sighed, "Both of her parents died when she was a teenager. Her brother is abusive and got her kicked out of college. Some shit went down and she had nowhere to go so she moved in with your brother. He doesn't want to leave her behind in case her brother shows up."  
Josh leaned back against the couch and shook his head. He couldn't believe how bad that girl had it. He was really proud of his brother for stepping up and taking care of her.  
"What's her name?" Josh asked.  
Phil scratched his beard and closed his eyes in concentration, "Ah shit I can't remember...I think it was Rylie."  
Josh spent the rest of evening with his dad talking about anything and everything that came up. His mind kept drifting back to his brother's poor girlfriend. He didn't know who she was or anything about her other than her struggles, but Josh was a compassionate person and he couldn't help but feel really bad for her.

A week later Josh arrived in Unalaska and was putting all his stuff away in his stateroom. He sighed as he looked around the spotless room. Josh knew that in a few hours Jake would arrive and make it look like a tornado had run through. He couldn't believe he was going to be sharing a room with a chick. _'This is going to suck.'_ He thought to himself as he exited the room.

Josh rode with Phil to the local bar and slowly walked up the front steps. As soon as he got to the entrance Jake walked out. "What's up dude?" Jake asked. Josh reached out and bumped fists with him. "Nothing man. Where are you going?"  
"I'm going to go buy some cigarettes."  
Josh nodded, "Where's your girl?"  
"Inside."  
"You're just going to let her hang out in a bar with a bunch of fisherman by herself?"  
Jake shrugged, "She can take care of herself."  
Josh walked past him and into the crowded bar. He made a bee line to the bar to order himself a beer. Josh leaned his back against the counter and looked around hoping to find a girl to talk to. He choked on his beer as he spotted a girl sitting by herself at a table across the room. It was Ryder. She was sipping on her drink with a bored expression on her face. Josh sat his beer on the counter and hurried over to her. "Ryder!" He said breathlessly. Ryder looked up at him and smiled. "Hi." She replied nervously.  
"It's me Josh!" The excitement of seeing her again was evident in his voice.  
"Oh hi!" Ryder stood up and gave him a big hug. Relief spread through Josh. For a moment he had feared Ryder wouldn't recognize him because she had never actually seen his face. "Jake has told me a lot about you! Don't worry I'm sure most of it was lies." She continued.  
Josh's brain seemed to be working slower than usual. He didn't understand what Ryder was talking about.  
"How...how do you know Jake?" He asked slowly.  
"I'm his girlfriend."  
Ryder's words hit him like a sledgehammer. How was this possible? Of all the girls in the world for Jake to go out with he had to choose her. Josh hadn't thought about her in days but now that she was right in front of him he was filled with desire.  
"Wait if you didn't know that I was Jake's girlfriend how did you know my name?" She asked.  
"I... uh."  
Jake appeared next to him and he was saved from having to answer her. "So I see you've met my girl." Jake said with a smile. Josh nodded and gave him a small forced smile in return. Jake lent in and kissed Ryder and Josh had an incredible urge to tackle him to the ground. Josh's insides burned with jealously as Ryder playfully bit Jake's lower lip. He looked pointedly away and balled his fists inside his jacket pockets. This was crazy. Absolutely crazy. Josh turned and strode across the bar to his dad. Phil stopped talking and tore his gaze away from his friend and fellow captain Sig, "What?" He asked.  
"You said her name was Rylie."  
"Who?"  
"Jakes girlfriend." Josh was trying his hardest to keep his voice calm, "You said her name was Rylie."  
"It is Rylie isn't it?"  
"Its Ryder."  
"Rylie Ryder whatever."  
Phil's eyebrows furrowed as he gazed at his son. "What's wrong with you?" He asked.  
"Nothing."  
Phil shook his head, "Go get yourself a beer and relax." He said sternly.

Instead of buying another beer Josh headed back to the boat.  
He climbed into his bunk and stared at the wall. Josh's mind was racing. What was so wrong with him that Ryder only wanted him for one night but wanted to be in a relationship with his little brother. He knew it was wrong to be jealous of Jake but he didn't care. The last place he had ever expected to see Ryder again was with him. Josh was the sweet one, the understanding one, the one who actually put in effort, and gave a fuck about people's feelings. Jake was rude, stubborn, sarcastic, and didn't care about anyone but himself _'What could she possible see in him?'_ He thought spitefully. Josh felt a knot in his stomach as he remembered all the terrible stuff that Ryder had been through. It made him want to be with her anymore. _'I can take so much better care of her.'_ He thought. Josh shook his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts. He realized how horrible and irrational he sounded_.'I want Ryder but Jake's my brother he deserves to be happy too.' _Josh rubbed his eyes wearily,_ Just don't pay any attention to her and everything will be ok'._

A few hours later he heard Jake and Ryder enter the room. He didn't move hoping that they would think he was asleep. Through the darkness Josh saw Jake pull her shirt over her head and turned away. "I don't want to have sex with your brother in here." Ryder whispered.  
"Don't worry he's a deep sleeper." Jake whispered back.  
It became quiet for a moment and then Ryder released a small giggle. _'Fuck._' Josh thought. He knew Ryder had given in. The bunk creaked as they climbed up and Josh wished that he was anywhere else in the world_. 'Go to sleep!'_ He told himself but he knew it was impossible. He felt sick to his stomach as Ryder moaned and whispered his brother's name. _'This is so wrong!'_ He thought angrily. Josh had decided that he would just have to accept them being together but this was just too much. It was killing him. It wasn't that long ago that she was moaning his name. Eventually the movement above him stopped but Josh was still unable to sleep. _'This is going to be a long season'._ He thought bitterly.

"He hates me."  
Jake yawned, "Who hates you?"  
Ryder poured herself a cup of coffee and joined Jake at the galley table, "Your brother."  
Jake laughed, "Why would Josh hate you?"  
She shrugged and took a sip of her coffee, "I don't know but he does. You should have seen the look he gave me when he left the room this morning."  
"He doesn't hate you. He just isn't used to having a chick on the boat."  
"If you say so...I think I've met him before."  
"Where?"  
"I don't know where. It's just a feeling I got when I first saw him."  
Jake laughed, "You probably slept with him. You've slept with everyone else in Washington."  
Ryder rolled her eyes, "You're a jackass."  
"I know but you like it."  
Ryder flipped him off and quickly finished the rest of her coffee. They pulled on their gear and headed out on deck to get the boat ready to go. Ryder helped load frozen herring onto the boat and was left in charge of counting the pots. She could feel Josh's eyes on her but every time she looked up he had already looked away. Throughout the day every time she was near him she tried her hardest to make conversation but Josh was very short and borderline rude to her. _'I've been here one day and my boyfriend's brother already hates me. Great.' _She thought miserably.

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	5. Chapter 5

Josh was sitting at the bar drinking his beer in silence. Jake and their fellow crew member Ryan were sitting next to him talking but he didn't hear a word of what they were saying. His eyes were on Ryder. She was dancing with Freddie, another member of the Cornelia Marie crew and she looked incredible. The way her body moved made Josh's insides burn with jealousy towards his brother. Admittedly he hadn't been being the nicest to Ryder, but he couldn't help it. The fact that she wasn't his infuriated him. "Josh!" Jake said while waving his hands in front of his face. "What?" Josh replied.  
"What the hell are you staring at? You look like a terrorist."  
Josh shook his head, "nothing I..."  
Josh stopped talking mid sentence as Ryder approached the table. Perspiration from all the dancing clung to her chest and the sight of it made his heart race. Her stomach peeked teasingly out of the bottom of her shirt and Josh wanted nothing more than to pull it over her head. Ryder's jeans didn't quite cover her hip bones and Josh thought about how he had once been the one to peel them off of her. Ryder sat in Jake's lap and Josh's stomach turned as his brother kissed and bit her shoulder. Josh realized he was staring and looked down at the table. "Dude what's wrong with you?" Jake asked.  
"Nothing man."  
"You've been moping around since we got here."  
Josh shook his head, "Your trippin man."  
"Whatever." Jake replied as he took a drink of his beer.  
Ryder slid off of Jake's lap, "I'm going to get a beer." She said before walking away.  
When she was out of earshot Josh looked up at his brother.  
"What's the deal with you guys?" He asked.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Are you in love with her...or what?"  
Jake choked on his beer, "Hell no dude."  
"Oh."  
"I mean I really like her and care about her, but we haven't been together long enough for me to be in love with her." Jake paused, "I think I could fall in love with her one day though."  
Josh cleared his throat, "I'm happy for you."  
"Your being weird dude are you sick or something?"  
"Dude I'm fine. Seriously. But I think I'm going to head back to the boat." Josh stood up and quickly exited the bar. He had told his brother that he was happy for him. It was the biggest lie he could ever remember telling.

Ryder returned to the table and sat in Josh's vacated seat.  
"Where's Josh?" She asked.  
"He went back to the boat." Ryan replied.  
"He's being weird." Jake added.  
Ryder shifted uncomfortably on her stool.  
"It's because of me." She mumbled.  
Jake rolled his eyes, "Why would it be because of you?"  
"He hates me."  
"I already told you he doesn't hate you."  
"But you're wrong. He totally hates me."  
"Ryder chill the fuck out he doesn't hate you. He has no reason to hate you."  
"Whatever jake."  
Ryder drummed her nails on the table and tried not to think about Josh. No such luck. She didn't know why Josh's opinion mattered so much to her but the way he was treating her was driving her crazy. It wouldn't have bothered her if he was just indifferent towards her but when he looked at her anger was clearly etched on his face.

A few hours later they headed back to the boat and Josh was still on her mind. She was determined to somehow make him like her. As soon as they entered the stateroom Jake pulled his shirt over his head. Ryder glanced down and saw that Josh was asleep in his bunk. "Grab a condom out of my bag." Jake said quietly.  
Ryder shook her head, "I don't want to have sex again with him in here."  
"You didn't have a problem with it last night."  
"Shut up Jake. I just don't want to tonight ok?"  
Jake nodded and pulled himself onto the bed. Ryder quickly changed into pajamas and climbed in next to him. She pulled the blanket over her and closed her eyes.  
"Hold me." She said quietly.  
"Maybe I don't want to tonight."  
"Don't be an asshole Jake."  
Jake laughed and pulled her close to him. Ryder turned her head and kissed him, then buried her face into the pillow.  
"Goodnight." She mumbled.  
Jake started to laugh.  
"Don't say it!" Ryder said sternly.  
"Nightrider." Jake said with chuckle.  
Ryder rolled her eyes, "that's not even funny. I don't know why you insist on saying it all the time."  
Jake laughed, "because it's hilarious."  
Ryder couldn't help but smile. Jake was adorable.

When Ryder woke up and climbed out of bed the next morning Josh was sitting on his bed looking for a shirt. Ryder took in his perfectly sculpted physique but quickly looked away. "Morning." She said smiling.  
Josh grabbed a shirt and pulled it on. "Morning." He replied.  
"How did you sleep?"  
"Do you really care how I slept?" Josh asked coldly.  
"I was just trying to be nice."  
"Well you can stop."  
"What's your problem?" Ryder's temper was slowly rising.  
"Can you just leave me alone?" Josh asked, "I'm not interested in anything you have to say."  
Josh walked past her and out of the room without another word. Ryder sat on Josh's empty bed and ran her fingers through her hair_. 'What could I have possibly done to make him treat me like this?' _She wondered.

An hour later the crew was out on deck making sure everything was ready to go. Ryder was standing on the dock watching since she had no idea what to do. More specifically she was watching Josh. His behavior towards her was consuming her thoughts. Josh looked up and shot Ryder a dirty look making her blood boil. _'Fuck him.'_ She thought angrily, _'If he wants to be an asshole for no reason its his problem not mine.'_ She focused her attention on Jake and smiled. He was yelling at Josh about a pair of gloves and was slowly turning red in the face. As obnoxious as he was sometimes Ryder still thought Jake was amazing. She loved his sarcastic nature and asshole tendencies. Ryder would never admit that of course. Jake had a big enough head.

A few hours later they set off and everyone headed inside and piled around the galley table. The conversation soon turned to relationships. "So how did you guys end up together?" Ryan asked Jake. Josh looked at his brother. His heart rate had increased slightly. "I don't know man it just happened." Jake paused and smiled," I didn't think we would ever get together because she was all hung up over a guy she met at a party." Josh's heart was now pounding in his chest. "Guess what his name was!" Jake continued, "Its disgusting his name was josh."  
"Shut the fuck up Jake!" Ryder said angrily.  
Ryder shot Josh a dirty look and folded her arms across her chest. Josh couldn't believe it. So Ryder had thought about him after their night together_. 'How can she not recognize me?'_ Josh wondered.  
"Dude chill. I was just playing around." Jake said as rubbed Ryder's back.  
"It's not funny!"  
"Why is it such a big deal?"  
"Because you think its funny he has the same name as your brother and you keep making all these stupid Jokes like it actually was! He was the first guy to be nice to me before I met you and I don't want you even talking about them in the same sentence!"  
"Why not?" Jake asked clearly trying not to laugh.  
"Because he was a nice guy and your brother is an asshole!"  
Ryder stood up and stormed out of the room. Josh felt numb.  
It was a strange feeling to be complimented and then insulted by someone who thought you were two different people.  
Ryan cleared his throat after a few moments, "In all fairness you are kind of an asshole to her."  
"She thinks you hate her so could you try being a little nicer?" Jake added.  
Freddie started busting up laughing, "Jake telling someone to be nice? What is world coming to?"  
"Yeah ill be nicer." Josh said quietly. He didn't know what else to say. He already knew he was being an asshole to Ryder. All he wanted was her to stay away from him having her close hurt way to much.

Ryder climbed into her bunk and pulled the blanket over her head. She was embarrassed for losing her cool like that in the galley. _'What the hell is wrong with me?'_ She wondered. Ryder didn't usually lose her temper like that but the Josh she met at the party was the first person to make her feel beautiful in years. Guys always called her hot or sexy but never beautiful. Until him. It was funny how two people with the same name could be so different. Ryder heard the door open and she peaked out from under the blanket. She narrowed her eyes and pulled the blanket back over her head.  
"Can we talk?" Josh asked.  
"No."  
"Please?"  
"About what?"  
"I shouldn't have been a dick to you."  
Ryder threw the blanket off of her completely and sat up.  
"No you shouldn't have!" She yelled, "You don't even know me! I'm done trying to be nice to you. Go fuck yourself."  
Josh left the room without another word and slammed the door behind him. Ryder flipped him off as he exited the room and then got back under the blanket. Why was he so good at getting under her skin? She was already feeling guilty for yelling at him. _'This is twisted' _Ryder thought to herself, _'He treats me like shit and I end up feeling guilty?'_ A few minutes later Jake entered the room and climbed into bed next to her.  
"Judging by the yelling I'd say you and my brother didn't make up." He said as he wrapped his arm around her.  
"No. I don't want to make up with him. I should be mad at you too you know."  
Jake laughed, "why aren't you?"  
"I'd rather be mad at Josh."  
"That's cool with me."  
Jake kissed her on the cheek, "go to bed. We have to work in a few hours."

Four hours later the crew was on deck for the first time that season. Josh was still angry at Ryder for screaming at him the night before. He had tried to make up with her despite how uncomfortable it was for him and she still chewed him out. Josh was extremely frustrated that Ryder didn't recognize him. _'What difference would it make even if she did?' _He thought bitterly_, 'She's still Jake's girlfriend.'_ Despite her telling him to 'fuck off' he still desperately wanted her. He watched as she sliced open a cod and shoved a hook through its mouth. Josh smiled in spite of himself. She was the only girl he had ever met who could make that sexy. Ryder shot him a dirty look that wiped the smile right off of his face. "This is going to be a long season." He mumbled.

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	6. Chapter 6

Josh was lying in his bunk once again listening to Jake and Ryder have sex. His insides bubbled with anger and he was aching to rip his brother off of her. Ryder and Josh were still not on good terms and it was driving him crazy. He had tried to apologize to her several more times but she wanted nothing to do with him. Josh couldn't blame her. When she had gone out of her way to be nice to him he had been icy towards her. Despite how cold she was now being towards him Josh's feelings towards her continued to intensify. Ryder was hilarious it was impossible not to smile while she was talking. She was sweet to everyone excluding himself and went out of her way to cheer the guys up when they were upset. Josh had known she was smart but he was blown away by just how intelligent she was. Everything she said was articulate which made him wonder even more what she saw in his brother. Everyday she became a little bit more beautiful to him. Her blue eyes made his heart beat a little faster even when they were narrowed angrily in his direction. The way her thick black hair blew around her face while they were on deck made it hard to concentrate on what he was doing. When she smiled it was hard to restrain his own even though her smiles were never directed at him. Josh couldn't listen to them anymore so he quickly exited the room and sat at the galley table. He placed his head in his hands, _'Why can't I forget about her?' _Josh laid his head in his arms and closed his eyes.

Jake climbed off of Ryder and she curled up into ball. She had heard Josh exit the room and felt disgusting. He shouldn't have had to leave because of them it was still his room, but it was always hard for her to say no to Jake. He was very persuasive. Ryder wanted to make up with Josh but she was still really angry with him. She wasn't completely sure why she was holding a grudge against him but every time she was around him she felt incredibly frustrated. When Ryder climbed out of bed a few hours later she found Josh asleep at the galley table wearing only his sweats. Her eyes traveled down his chiseled shoulders and back. She bit her lip as he rolled over revealing his chest and stomach. His body was amazing. She frowned slightly as she studied his tattoos, they seemed familiar. _'I must have met someone with the same ones.'_ She reasoned. Ryder sat down opposite of Josh and made herself a bowl of cereal. She glanced over at Josh's sleeping figure every few moments. Ryder hadn't really realized until then just how attractive Josh was. He resembled his brother, but Jake had a baby face that often held the remnants of laughter while Josh's was more weathered, more mature. Whereas Jake exuded cockiness Josh exuded confidence. Josh sat up and stretched. "Morning." He said awkwardly.  
"Morning." She replied. For a moment Josh looked like he wanted to say something else but instead he got up and headed to their state room. Ryder found herself wishing he would have.

Hours later they were on deck setting a string of pots. Ryder was exhausted but too stubborn to show it. As she made her way back to the bait area after baiting a pot she made eye contact with Josh and nearly stopped in her tracks. Often when she made eye contact with him she saw anger, annoyance, and a number of other unpleasant things but this time she saw something else. He looked sad. Ryder tore her gaze away from him and walked faster. _'Why do you even care how he feels?' _She asked herself.

Several hours later they headed back inside and Josh made the crew food. For the next half hour the crew talked and laughed as they ate. Soon it grew quiet as thoughts of sleep consumed them. Josh watched bitterly as Ryder massaged Jake's shoulders. He excused himself and headed to his room. Josh sat on the edge of his bed and drummed his fingers on his thigh. '_This is so stupid. Get over her.' _

A few minutes later Ryder entered the room and gave Josh a small smile. "Hi." She mumbled.  
"Hey." He replied.  
"Can we talk?"  
"About what?"  
Ryder shrugged and sat down next to him, "I don't know. Maybe we can figure out how to get along."  
"Ok."  
"You were really horrible to me when we got here you know."  
"I know and I already apologized for that."  
"But why did you do it?"  
Ryder saw Josh's face harden and worried he was going to yell at her.  
"I don't know." He said harshly.  
Ryder rolled her eyes. She was instantly annoyed.  
"You do know." She said angrily, "You don't just treat someone like shit for no reason."  
Josh sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "_Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad_." He said quietly.  
Ryder smiled in spite of herself, "That's my..."  
Josh cut her off, "Yeah I know its your favorite quote."  
"How did you know?"  
Josh didn't answer he just looked at her. His eyes bore into hers as if willing her to figure it out. Ryder didn't understand she had never said that to Jake, he wouldn't have been interested. So who could have told him? Then it hit her.  
He was the Josh she had met at the masquerade party.  
_'I'm so stupid!'_ She thought to herself, _'How could I not have known! His body, the tattoos, his voice! Everything was right in front of me.'_  
"Why didn't you say anything?" Ryder asked angrily.  
"What was I supposed to say?" Josh spat, "You're my brother's girlfriend."  
Ryder shook her head and stood up. "You should have said something! I thought about you everyday for weeks! You made me feel beautiful I wanted to see you again!"  
"No you didn't! I asked you out and you told me no!"  
Ryder's lip trembled slightly, "it was because of my brother! He would have never let me be with you!"  
"Bullshit! Then why was it ok to be with Jake?"  
"Jake saved me from him! He gave me a place to stay! He took care of me."  
Josh stepped closer to her, "I could have taken care of you. I wanted you. I still want you."  
For the first time in years a tear slid down Ryder's face. Now that she knew who Josh was the feelings she had for him overwhelmed her. How could she have been so blind? Now it seemed painfully obvious. Her heart was pounding in her chest and part of her wanted to believe Jake had put Josh up to this as a Joke. _'But he knew the quote.'_ She reminded herself.  
Ryder took a step back and wiped away her tears. "It's too late I'm with Jake now." For a moment Josh looked crestfallen then in one quick movement he pulled her close to him and crashed his lips onto hers. All thoughts of resistance quickly faded and she eagerly kissed him back. After a few heated moments Ryder came to her senses and pushed him away from her. "This is wrong. I love your brother."  
Josh wiped his mouth with his palm. "I don't believe that you're in love with him." He said hoarsely.  
"I didn't say I was. I said I loved him. I owe him my life I can't betray him."  
"You expect me just to forget this? I've been trying to forget you for months and I can't."  
"You have no choice."  
"Tell me you have no more feelings for me and ill let it go."  
Why did Josh have to make this so hard? He should have understood the horrible position he was putting her in.  
"I can't." She took a deep breath and continued, "But my life is with Jake, and he's your brother. He would never forgive either one of us if something happened. He would flip out just from finding out you were the guy from the party."  
Josh nodded. "You're right. I couldn't forgive myself if I hurt him. We... We'll just pretend nothing ever happened between us." Josh looked around awkwardly," ... I umm have to... Shower or something."  
Josh strode out of the room and Ryder sat down on his bed.  
_'How is this even possible?'_ She wondered. _'This kind of stuff doesn't happen.'_ Ryder felt more tears slide down her face but didn't bother wiping them away. She desperately hoped she could resist Josh. Hooking up with his brother was a really shitty way of repaying Jake for everything he had done for her. Ryder wished she hadn't felt so incredible when Josh's lips touched hers.

"What's wrong with you?"  
"What?" Ryder replied.  
"What's wrong with you?" Jake repeated with a hint of exasperation in his voice.  
"Nothing."  
"Your nose is all red you've been crying."  
"It's allergies."  
Jake laughed, "We're in the middle of the Bering Sea what the hell could you be allergic to?"  
Ryder couldn't help but smile. He was always such a smart ass. Jake sat down next to her and held her close to him.  
"You don't have to lie to me babe." He said softly.  
"I'm fine." She replied, "I'm just emotional because of my period."  
Jake cleared his throat, "Maybe you should have lied to me."  
Ryder laughed and kissed him on the cheek, "I'm going to bed."  
She pulled herself onto her bunk and Jake climbed up after her. He pulled her close to him and kissed the back of her head. Within minutes Ryder sensed that he had fallen asleep. She was feeling incredibly guilty_. 'How could I kiss Josh?'_ Ryder asked herself, _'Jake has been nothing but good to me.'_ She buried her face in the pillow so Jake wouldn't hear her cry. Now she understood why Josh had treated her the way he did but the reason behind it brought her more stress than relief. She had never been in a situation like this and was already overwhelmed. How could she have feelings for two people so completely different?

When Josh woke up the next morning he didn't open his eyes. He wasn't ready to get up and face the day. How could he possibly be around Ryder now that she knew the truth? He had wished over and over again that she would realize who he was, but now that she had he wished he wouldn't have opened his big mouth. Josh wanted to be with her so much it was like a constant aching in the pit of his stomach, but he knew he could never be with her. Even if she and his brother broke up Jake would never allow them to be together. He couldn't blame him, if it was the other way around he would flip out if Jake ever even considered dating Ryder. Josh felt his eyes well up with tears_. 'I'm a good guy. What could I have done to deserve this?' _He wondered. He knew that there would be other girls, but none could ever be quite like Ryder.

**Please  
R E V I E W :)**


	7. Chapter 7

"I love you Ryder."  
"I love you to Jake." Ryder replied as she pulled on her deck boots. Jake cleared his throat uncomfortably and zipped up his hoodie, "yeah I know but I meant that I'm in lo..." Jake stopped mid sentence as Josh entered the ready room.  
Ryder made eye contact with Josh and felt as if she was going to throw up. It had been three days since she found out the truth about Josh and she had been avoiding him like the plague. When they were working she kept her eyes focused on the deck, the bait, or on the pot. At night she went to bed before he did or after she was certain he was sleeping. Every once in a while he would pop up unexpectedly and her eyes would automatically lock on his as if they had a mind of their own. The kiss they shared had been on her mind everyday from the moment she crawled out of her bunk until she crawled back into it and fell asleep. She wanted Josh it was undeniable, but she also wanted Jake. Ryder asked herself many times who she wanted more, her mind told her Jake but she wasn't completely sure who her heart was telling her. She tore her gaze away from Josh and looked back at Jake, "What were you saying?"  
"Nevermind." Jake replied angrily as he pulled his hood over his head and went out on deck. Ryder turned to follow him but Josh grabbed her hand and pulled her close to him. "Talk to me." He said quietly.  
Ryder shook her head and pulled her hand away from him.  
"Please."  
"Josh we agreed we were going to pretend like nothing happened."  
"That doesn't mean we can't talk."  
"Yes it does. It's hard enough just being around you. It's not fair to Jake."  
"Oh yeah because it's so easy for me especially with you all over my brother all the time. That makes me feel great." Josh said sarcastically  
"I'm done with this conversation I'm going outside." Ryder replied as she turned and walked away from him.

Josh watched her exit the room and threw a glass coffee mug at the wall. Seeing it shatter into tiny pieces didn't make him feel better in the slightest. _'I hate her.'_ Josh thought bitterly. He felt like he was going insane. Everything he had ever known about himself he was starting to question. He would have never considered going after another guys girl a few months ago, especially not his brother's girl but there were few things he wasn't willing to do to be with her at this point. After being turned down by a girl Josh would get over it almost instantly. It was their loss and for every girl that said no ten more would say yes right? That was what he had always believed. Until Ryder. Being turned down by her tore him apart. Josh had been confident before Ryder but now she made him feel about an inch tall.

Early the next morning the crew was heading inside after being on deck for 18 hours. Ryder was incredibly relieved to be inside. Besides the fact that Josh had been intruding her thoughts all day long Jake had been acting like a complete asshole. In typical Jake form every time she asked him what was wrong he would say _'get off of my fucking case'_ or _'go back to the bait bin and do your job'_. Ryder pushed past him into their room and slammed the door. She quickly pulled off her deck clothes and changed into a pair of shorts and an Alkaline Trio t-shirt. Ryder made her way into the galley and began collecting all the ingredients she would need for breakfast. She glanced at the galley table and saw that Josh's eyes were directly on her. Ryder wished she hadn't worn shorts. _'He's going to think I'm a tease. Great' _she thought to herself as she chopped up red peppers with more ferocity than she had intended. She had never been so confused before. It had been so much easier when she just spent one night with a guy and never had the chance to develop any real feelings.  
Now she had very real, very genuine feelings for two people. _'Why did I have to go to that stupid masquerade party?' _She thought bitterly, _'Why did I have to go home from the bar with Jake?'  
_  
When she finished cooking she quickly made the guys plates, grabbed herself a soda, and sat down at the galley table. The guys all began to eat right away except Josh. His egg laden fork was halfway to his mouth when he paused. "Why aren't you eating?" He asked.  
"I'm not hungry." She replied shortly.  
"You haven't eaten since yesterday. Are you sick?"  
"I'm fine."  
"Back off dude." Jake cut in, "She said she's not hungry so shut the hell up."  
"Well since your to selfish too worry about why your girl isn't eating I figured someone else should!" Josh fired back.  
Jake threw his fork down on the table, "It's not your place to worry about why my girl isn't eating!"  
"Jake stop talking about me like I'm your property! You've been acting like a fucking prick and I'm tired of it."  
Jake snorted, "Stop being so dramatic Ryder. I don't feel like dealing with your bullshit right now."  
"Fuck you." Ryder said quietly before getting up and storming away from the table.

Josh jumped slightly as the state room door slammed closed.  
"You know what Jake..."  
"Dude drop it." Ryan mumbled under his breath.  
"You've been treating Ryder like shit and she's done nothing wrong!" Josh plowed on.  
"Don't you lecture me about how I treat my girlfriend! It was only a few days ago that you were the one treating her like shit!"  
"Well I lost appetite." Freddie said as he stood up and left the table. Moments later Ryan stood up and followed him. Josh and Jake sat in silence. Josh watched as his brother moodily picked at his food. He rolled his eyes and bit back everything he wanted to scream at him.  
Josh took a deep breath, "dude what's wrong?"  
"Nothing." Jake replied.  
"I know there is something wrong with you man. Normally you're just kind of an asshole but when you're upset you're a complete asshole."  
"I guess I'm just pissed."  
"At what?"  
"You."  
Josh's heart was pounding in his chest. He could think of plenty of reasons for Jake to be pissed at him but none that Jake should know about.  
"Why are you pissed at me?" Josh asked reluctantly.  
"You fucked everything up yesterday." Jake replied quietly as he adjusted his hat.  
"What? When?"  
"I tried to tell Ryder I loved her last night and you walked into the ready room and ruined it."  
"So what?" Josh had to stop himself from rolling his eyes, "You guys tell each other you love each other all the time."  
Jake shook his head, "I was going to tell her that I was IN love with her."  
If Josh's heart was pounding before there were no words to describe what it was doing now. He was surprised Jake couldn't hear it across the table.  
"You told me not that long ago that you weren't in love with her. You said you just cared about her."  
Jake took a deep breath, "I know but something changed. I'm crazy about her. I know I'm a dick to her sometimes but..." Jake smiled slightly, "I'm just a dick I can't help it."  
Josh didn't know what to say. His little brother was in love for the first time in his life. He should have been happy for him, he should have reached across the table and patted him on the back, but all it did was make him dizzy. Dizzy with jealously, dizzy with anger, and dizzy with sadness. After a few moments Josh opened his mouth to reply but nothing would come out.  
"Well I have wheel watch." Jake said awkwardly before standing up and heading to the wheel house. _'I'm a shitty excuse for a brother.'_ Josh thought sadly.

Josh stood up and walked to his stateroom. When he opened the door he saw that Ryder was curled up in a ball on his bed. Josh smiled, "Why are you always on my bed?"  
"Too lazy to climb onto mine." Ryder said simply.  
Ryder sat up and Josh sat down next to her.  
"Where's Jake?" She asked.  
"Wheel watch."  
Ryder nodded, "Oh. I don't know what's wrong with him but its pissing me off."  
Josh was unsure if he should tell her what was wrong with Jake. 'Its not my place.' He told himself, but before he could stop himself words were tumbling out of his mouth.  
"Its not his fault." Josh mumbled.  
Ryder raised his eye brows, "oh really?"  
"He wanted to tell you something but I messed it up. Jake isn't good at dealing with his feelings so he took it out on you." Josh paused, "and everyone else on the boat."  
"What did he want to tell me?"  
"That he... that he was in love with you."  
Ryder buried her face in his hands. "Oh god." She mumbled, "No wonder he stormed out of the ready room like that. What did you say when he told you?"  
"Nothing. Its not like I could have told him how I was feeling."  
Ryder bit her lip, "How are you feeling?"  
"Ryder I think... I think that I'm in love with you too."  
"Josh I..."  
The rest of her sentence was lost as Josh pressed his lips against hers. It was wrong. Incredibly wrong, but Josh couldn't control himself any longer. He needed her so much. Thinking rationally didn't seem so important anymore. Josh pulled her shorts along with her underwear off and tossed them to the side. He quickly unbuttoned his pants and positioned himself between her legs. "Wait what about Jake? Somebody could hear." Ryder said breathlessly.  
"He won't be able to hear from the wheel house and everyone else is probably asleep by now."  
Ryder nodded and Josh pushed himself inside of her.

Ryder closed her eyes and bit the back of her hand to keep from crying out. Being with Josh was pure ecstasy. Images of the night the met floated back to her and made her head spin. Ryder opened her eyes and looked up at Josh. She looked into his eyes and saw only one thing. Jake. "Get off of me!" Ryder said suddenly as panic spread through her. Josh stopped moving and got off of her.  
"What's wrong?" He asked.  
"This!" She replied as scrambled to pull her shorts back on.  
Josh buttoned his pants and buried his face in his hands. "I'm sorry Ryder." He mumbled.  
Ryder was sitting on her knees in the middle of the floor. She felt numb and too disgusted with herself to move. Tears began to pool in her eyes. _This is why people think your a slut!' _She thought angrily. "This is all my fault." Josh said quietly. "I don't want to talk to you... Ever again." Ryder stuttered.  
"I love you Ryder. I really do. I can't stand being next to you because all I can think about is how I can't have you. I can't stand being away from you because all I can think about is being next to you."  
Ryder shook her head, "What about Jake! What about your brother huh?"  
"Everything my whole life has been _how is Jake going to feel about that? Is Jake going to like that? You know your little brother's temper. Be careful what you say to Jake. Try not to make him angry._ I'm sick of it! When do I get to think about how I feel?"  
"There is a girl for you Josh and I'm sure she's a lot better than me."  
"I don't want anyone but you." Josh's voice cracked slightly as he spoke, "You have no idea how much you mean to me. I... I just want you to want me back."  
"I do want you Josh! I want you so much it hurts. I can't look at you without feeling all kinds of things I didn't even know existed! But I need Jake. I need him. I can't even sleep at night unless he's holding me. I don't feel safe unless I know he's near me. I can't just throw that away because I want you."  
Josh shrugged his shoulders, "Well then I don't know what else I can say."  
"Josh I'm sorry."  
"Me too."  
Josh stood up and exited the room leaving Ryder alone in the dark. _'I'm in love them both'_ she thought to herself as the realization washed over her. In that moment Ryder felt completely helpless, completely exposed. The question was who did she love more? Ryder had no idea. All she knew for sure was that Jake was going to find out soon. Either he was going to figure out on his own or Ryder was going to break down and tell him. Ryder knew that at the end of this mess she would lose either Jake or Josh forever, and the thought hurt her more than anything else.

_Lying beside you in a dream_  
_ and I guess I'm okay_  
_ whatever that means_  
_ toss and turn endlessly_  
_ and I just can't wait till I fall asleep_  
_ then I'll have you right_  
_ where I always wanted you to be_  
_ here with me_

_ and it's the same song, I wanna feel something _  
_ when I'm tangled inside of your arms_  
_ and I will take any high now just to get me through_  
_ it's the next best thing to you_

_ dying to find what this means_  
_ but I just can't face reality_  
_ I think I'm leaving this scene_  
_ oh I hate this place but I just can't leave_  
_ and into the night_  
_ will I ever fall asleep?_  
_ I'm in too deep_

_ and it's the same song, I wanna feel something_  
_ when I'm tangled inside of your arms_  
_ and I will take any high now just to get me through_  
_ it's the next best thing to you_

_ now I'm wasting my time having you on my mind_  
_ and I'll take any high just to feel alive_  
_ like I did with you_

_**Next best thing-Endeverafter**_

**please please review :)  
i love the feedback!**


	8. Chapter 8

Ryder was curled up in her bunk trying her hardest to sleep. Sleep was the only time she was able to escape from the guilt that consumed her. Her eyes were tightly closed but she couldn't drift into oblivion. Ryder could hear Josh and Jake yelling at each other in the galley and closed her eyes tighter. They had been fighting more than usual over the last couple of days she knew it was her fault. Josh was jealous and bitter towards his brother and Jake didn't really need a reason to argue with Josh, it was just something was good at. Jake or Josh? She asked herself over and over but she still saw no clear answer._ 'I don't deserve either one of them.' _She thought sadly. Ryder had no right to choose between them they weren't a prize in some contest. She cared about them both very deeply. With Jake she saw adventure and passion. He was protective, hilarious, and even though he had the tendency to be an ass he was always sweet when he needed to be.  
Josh however was completely different. With Josh she pictured Romance. He looked at her in a way that nobody else ever had. When he looked her in the eye she felt like he was really seeing her. Not the person she often pretended to be. Jake made her feel safe, while Josh made her feel alive.

Ryder sat up as Jake entered the room. "What's wrong?" He asked. "Nothing I'm just tired." She replied.  
"Your lying."  
Ryder forced a smile ,"I'm not lying."  
Jake rolled his eyes, "We're heading in to off load."  
Ryder nodded and laid back down.  
"Seriously what's wrong with you?" Jake asked.  
"Nothing." Ryder mumbled.  
"Whatever."  
Ryder could hear the agitation in voice as he exited the room. It was hard for her to be around Jake and she could tell he was starting to notice the change in her personality. She despised herself for what she had done. Ryder decided she had to tell him the truth before it was too late but she was having trouble working up the courage. She didn't even want to think about how mad he was going to be. She was 95% sure he would never forgive her.

_'How can you be angry with someone when you know you're the one who's wrong?' _Josh wondered as his brother walked past him. Josh had crossed a line that he knew beforehand should never be crossed. You don't sleep with your brother's girlfriend. No exceptions. _'I love her.'_ Josh thought to himself_. 'You're selfish.'_ He argued.  
_'But I met her before Jake did.'_ Josh rubbed his hands through his hair and leaned against the wall. _'So that makes it ok?'_ He countered. "I'm losing my mind." He mumbled as he made his way to his state room. Josh looked down at his bed and felt a mixture of self loathing and desire as he remembered what had occurred on it just days before.  
"What?" Ryder asked as she watched him enter.  
"This is my room too." Josh replied.  
Ryder turned away from him and looked at the ceiling.  
"I'm going to tell Jake." She said after a few moments silence.  
"Wh...Why?" Josh stuttered.  
"Because he needs to know."  
"Don't get your hopes up I know my brother and he's not going to forgive us."  
"You'd like what wouldn't you?" Ryder asked sourly.  
Josh bit back an angry retort. Would he have liked that?  
"No. I don't want him to break up with you. He's the one you need remember? Not me. And I love my brother Ryder even if I do a shitty job of showing it."

Josh got into his bunk and Ryder continued to stare at the ceiling. How would things be different if she was Josh's girlfriend instead? Would she have cheated on Josh with Jake? No. She knew the answer instantly. Why though? What was the difference? Jake would still be Jake and Josh would still be Josh. It didn't make sense. Then something hit her with the force of an eighteen wheeler. The truth, reality, and shock all rolled into one. _'Josh is the one I should be with. He's always been the one.'_

"Josh?" Ryder said quietly.  
Josh closed his eyes and hesitated before replying, "What?"  
"When I tell Jake what happened between us. I'm going to tell him I want to be with you."  
"What?" Josh repeated. His heart had begun to beat faster but he didn't dare to believe what he had just heard.  
"You're the one I want to be with Josh. I was wrong I do need you."  
"Are you serious?" Josh's voice cracked slightly.  
"Yes. But I won't be with you unless Jake says it's alright."  
The excitement he had felt mere moments before instantly disappeared. Josh leapt out of his bunk and turned to face her. "He's never going to say its ok Ryder." He said breathing heavily.  
"I think he will once he understands." Ryder replied.  
"And what happens if he doesn't?"  
"Then we can never be together."  
"You're serious?"  
"Yes. I still love him and if he says it's not ok with him then I won't be with you."  
_'She's out of her mind.'_ He thought to himself. She had to be absolutely crazy to think that Jake would give them his blessing. "Alright Ryder." Josh mumbled before climbing back into his bunk. He was definitely feeling less than optimistic.

Fifteen minutes later Jake entered the room and climbed into the bunk with Ryder. _'As soon as he opens his mouth Ryder is going to change her mind.'_ He thought sadly. That was the way it went. Every time Ryder gave him a small glimmer of hope she snatched it away. Much to his surprise Jake didn't say anything. The creaking of the bunk above him told him that Jake merely got into a comfortable position and went to sleep. Josh lay wide awake and soon despite Ryder's attempt to stifle her tears into the pillow he was listening to her cry. _'Being in love shouldn't hurt this much.' _He thought to himself as he wiped away a lone tear that had escaped down the side of his face. He knew that Ryder was right. As much as he desperately wanted Ryder he promised himself that if Jake said no he would never try to be with her again. He had already done way too much to damage his relationship with Jake. Guaranteed most of that damage would be permanent when Jake found out everything he had done. Josh was determined to do everything he could to fix it. With or without Ryder.

When Ryder woke up the next morning the guys were out on deck preparing to reach St. Paul. Ryder only knew how to do bait and sort crab so she he was unsurprised they let her sleep in. She was waiting until they were on land to talk to Jake. Not only was Ryder unwilling to tell him on the boat since the guys were always close by, but she also didn't want to get thrown overboard. _'He wouldn't throw me overboard.'_ Ryder told herself, _'But then again I did cheat on him with his brother... He'd definitely throw me overboard.'_ Ryder had never been more scared of anything in her life than the thought of telling Jake. Ryder had realized that Josh was the one that she wanted to be with but that didn't mean she wanted to lose Jake. He had been her savior. Cody abused her in public many times and nobody ever tried to stop him. "Except Jake." She mumbled. Ryder began to sob uncontrollably. Why did she have to meet either one of them? She would have rather been locked up with her worthless excuse for brother than have to lose one of them. Nobody could ever compare to either one of them. Nobody. They were nothing alike. Nothing, but one word could be used to describe them both. Perfect.

_And you, can bring me to my knees  
Again  
All the times,  
That I could beg you please-  
In vain  
All the times  
That I felt insecure  
For you  
And I leave  
My burdens at the door_

_But I'm on the outside  
And I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
'Cause inside you're ugly  
You're ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you_

_All the times  
That I felt like this won't end  
It was for you  
And I taste  
What I could never have  
It was from you  
All the times  
That I've cried  
My intentions  
Were full of pride  
But I waste  
More time than anyone_

_But I'm on the outside  
And I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
'Cause inside you're ugly  
You're ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you_

_All the times  
That I've cried  
All this wasted  
It's all inside  
And I feel  
All this pain  
Stuffed it down  
It's back again  
And I lie  
Here in bed  
All alone  
I can't mend  
But I feel  
Tomorrow will be okay_

_But I'm on the outside  
And I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
'Cause inside you're ugly  
You're ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you_

_**Outside- staind**_

_**R E V I E W pwease :)  
**_


	9. Chapter 9

Later that evening they had arrived safely at St Paul and everyone was getting ready to go to the bar. Ryder slowly pulled on a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt. She was so anxious she felt like she was going to throw up. Ryder was trying to mentally prepare herself for the tongue lashing Jake was going to give her, but it was no use. She was terrified and also positive that he was going to hate her.

Josh was sitting at the galley table tapping his foot anxiously on the floor. Soon he would know whether or not he would finally get to be with Ryder. _'I'm the world's worst brother.' _He thought repeatedly. Jake sat down next to him and he quickly averted his gaze. It was only a matter of time until Jake murdered him.  
_'I can't even look my own brother in the eye._' Josh thought sadly. "What's wrong dude?" Jake asked.  
"What?" Josh replied.  
"I said what's wrong." Jake replied with a laugh.  
"Nothing dude I just want to go to the bar."  
"Yeah me too. I haven't been drunk in way to long."  
"I love you man." Josh said suddenly.  
Jake raised his eyebrows, "What the fuck?"  
"What?"  
"Are you high? And if so why are you holding out on me?"  
"Nah dude I just don't say I love you enough."  
Jake cleared his throat uncomfortably, "uh I love you too...freak."  
Josh forced a smile but on the inside he felt like every inch of him was being torn apart. When he and Jake were younger they had never gotten along. Josh had always been jealous of Jake and vice versa. Jake had always been the one with the rock hard exterior and Josh wanted that. He always wore his heart on his sleeve no matter how hard he tried to hide it. It wasn't until adult hood that he found out Jake had respected him for it. Even though they still constantly fought Jake and Josh had gotten close in recent years and now everything they had gained was about to be lost. As much as he didn't want it to be true Josh could already feel the explosion coming. It was totally and completely his fault and now there was nothing he could do about it.

A few minutes later they all headed to the bar. Jake held Ryder's hand making her feel horrible. _'I can't do this!'_ She thought to herself. Ryder glanced to her left and saw Josh looking at them. More specifically their intertwined hands. She could tell by looking at him that Josh thought she was going to change her mind. Ryder tried to tell him without words that she hadn't but sensed it didn't work.

Once they reached the bar Ryder grabbed Jake's arm. "What?" He asked as he turned to face her. Ryder glanced over Jake's shoulder and saw that Josh had stopped walking as well. He seemed to be struggling internally with going inside. He gave Ryder a nervous look and walked into the bar. "Want to go for a walk?" Ryder replied.  
Jake smirked, "not particularly."  
"Please?"  
Jake sighed and shrugged his shoulders. Loud music and shouts of laughter from the bar followed them as they walked away. Needless to say it was much more inviting than the conversation Ryder was about to have with Jake.  
"We need to talk?" Ryder said quietly.  
"About what?" Jake replied as he took a drag off of his cigarette. Ryder opened her mouth to speak but the words didn't want to come out. How could she let herself get into this mess?  
"About what?" Jake repeated. Annoyance was already evident in his voice.  
"I did something horrible Jake."  
Jake dropped his cigarette on the ground and crushed it under his foot. "Spit it out." He said coldly.  
"I cheated on you with..."  
"With Josh?" Jake asked angrily cutting her off.  
Ryder felt as if she was going to pass out. How could he have known so quickly? _'Did he hear us?'_ Ryder thought as panic spread through her. Ryder nodded and Jake looked as if he wanted to punch her in the face. "I knew this was going to happen." Jake said as he lit another cigarette.  
"How...how did you know?" Ryder asked quickly.  
Jake snorted and shot her a dirty look. "Do you think I'm fucking stupid? I know he was the Josh you met at the party. I could see it all over his face when he_ met_ you at the bar. Then once we were on the boat he stared at you constantly. But I thought _'Josh is my brother he would never betray me.'_ I decided to trust you guys. Jake laughed mirthlessly, "Maybe I am fucking stupid."  
Ryder's lip trembled, "I didn't want this to happen. You mean so much to me I would never hurt you on purpose."  
"You're full of shit Ryder."  
Ryder took a step toward him but he immediately backed up. "I tried to stay away from I really did!" Ryder said half sobbing. "But I fell in love with him." Those words seemed to hurt Jake more than anything else. He shook his head and turned his back to her. Ryder walked around so that he was once again facing her. "I fell in love with you too Jake, but I think he's the one I should be with."  
"Why?" Jake yelled, "What makes him so much better than me?"  
"He's not better than you Jake. I don't know what it is. I know I could be happy with you. I am happy with you. But He's the one Jake. I don't know why. He just is. If I could make my feelings for him go away I would."  
"Fuck you Ryder." Jake said quietly.  
"I don't want you to hate me Jake. I wish you could understand how I'm feeling."  
"I don't really care what you want or don't want right now."  
"If you tell me you don't want me to be with him. Ill accept it and never talk to him again."  
"You're fucking joking right? You cheated on me with my brother and now you're asking for my blessing?"  
Ryder shifted uncomfortably. Coming from Jake it sounded ridiculous. "Jake I just need you to be ok with it. I could never be happy with him knowing you resented me for it."  
Jake looked down at the cigarette in his hand for a few moments before responding, "You know what Ryder its ok. Go be with him." Ryder's heart leapt. She wasn't expecting him to be ok with it so quickly. "Are you serious?" She asked timidly.  
Jake nodded, "Why not? You're dead to me anyway. You both are."  
"Jake please don't be like this!" She pleaded.  
"I took care of you when you had no where else to go. I got you onto my dad's boat so your brother wouldn't hunt you down. I held you ever single night until you fell asleep. I loved you Ryder. I would have never cheated on you. Never. And you stabbed me in the fucking heart. And you want me to be ok with you dating my brother? You're fucking crazy."  
"I know Jake. I know I'm crazy. I'm a crazy bitch for cheating on you and I'm a slut for it being with your brother. I'm incredibly stupid for ruining my relationship with you and I'm sorry."  
"Are you done?" Jake asked.  
"I don't know what else I can say." Ryder replied slowly.  
"Then get the fuck away from me."

Josh sat at the bar with his head in his hands. Ryder and Jake seemed to be gone for an extremely long time. Josh took a drink of his beer and looked towards the door for what had to be the millionth time since he sat down. "Fuck." He mumbled under his breath as he watched drunken fisherman walk in and out of the entrance. There was still no sign of Jake and Ryder. Different scenarios of what was happening with them kept popping into Josh's head. Maybe Ryder decided Jake was the one she wanted to be with after all. Or maybe she had decided she didn't want either one of them and went home. _'I'm losing my fucking mind.'_ Josh thought as he ran his fingers through his hair.

Ryder closed her eyes, "Jake please..."  
"I mean it. Get the hell away from me." Jake spat.  
Ryder nodded and walked away. Ryder felt an intense pain her heart that was worse than any punch or kick she had ever received from Cody. In that moment she wished she could go back in time to the night she met Jake. She would have gone home with Cody and would have never had to deal with any of this. Life with Cody seemed much easier. The way Jake looked at her when she told him that she loved Josh tore her apart. Disgust and anger was visible on every inch of his face. _'What the hell is wrong with me?' _She asked herself. Ryder's vision was blurred by her tears and she could barely see where she was going. Ryder stepped off of the curb and began to cross the street. "Ryder!" Jake yelled. Ryder's heart leapt as he called her name. Ryder turned to face him. "Watch out!" He screamed. Panic was written all over his face. Ryder heard screeching tires and was completely blinded by blaring headlights. She screamed as the truck collided with her and the next moment everything went dark.

Please review :)  
Ill love you forever I promise!

(It will also help me decide what's next)


	10. Chapter 10

"What the fuck happened?" Josh yelled.  
Jake pushed his brother away from him as hard as he could. "Get the hell out of my face Josh!" He yelled back even louder. Josh closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down. Thirty minutes before Jake had called him from the hospital telling him Ryder had gotten hit by a truck. He had barely arrived at the hospital but it was evident by Jake's behavior that Ryder had told him everything. "Please Jake just tell me what happened." Josh said as he sat down in a worn chair in the corner of the waiting room. "Let's see she told me you guys were sneaking around behind my back and that she wanted to be with you instead of me. Then she crossed the street without looking and got hit by a truck." Jake replied as he sat down a few chairs away from him.  
"Look Jake I'm sorry..."  
"I don't want to talk about it." Jake spat back, "This doesn't change anything. As soon as I find out Ryder's ok  
I'm never going to speak to either one of you again and you guys can have a happy life together without me getting in the way."  
"Neither of us want that Jacob."  
"Didn't I just say I didn't want to talk about it?" Jake said sourly.  
"We need to talk about it." Josh replied.  
"No we don't! Fuck you Josh! She's just a girl but you're my fucking brother! My fucking brother! Go to hell." Jake stood up and strode angrily out of the waiting room.  
Josh stood up and kicked a chair as hard he could. it toppled over with a loud crash causing an elderly woman across the room to jump in surprise. Josh leaned his head against the wall and tried to control his rapid breathing.  
_'This isn't happening.' _Josh told himself. Not only did he throw away his relationship with his brother but he didn't even know if the person he had thrown it away for was still alive. Josh quickly strode over to the nurses station. "Excuse me do you know anything about Ryder Frydenlund she...she was brought in not that long ago?" He was surprised by how hoarse he sounded when he spoke.  
"Frydenlund?" The nurse repeated, "What an interesting last name. Where is she from?" Josh had an incredible urge to reach across the counter and strangle her. "Do you really think that's important right now?" Josh asked incredulously.  
"I was merely being curious."  
"She's Norwegian. Can you please tell me what's going on?"  
The nurse sighed, "I already told your brother they rushed her into surgery as soon as she arrived. That's all I know."  
Josh cleared his throat, "How did you know he was my brother?"  
She shrugged, "You two look and sound very similar. Although you're a lot more polite. He came in screaming and yelling at me. I could barely understand what he was saying though because he was also crying. That's understandable of course."  
Josh nodded and played aimlessly with a pen on the counter. Her words had struck him to the core. He couldn't remember the last time saw Jake cry. Josh wished he could comfort him.  
"We need to contact her family. Do you have their numbers?" The nurse asked quietly.  
Josh shook his head, "No we're the only family she has."  
Josh walked back into the waiting room and sat down.  
He was too shocked to cry. Ryder didn't get hit by a truck.  
It was impossible. In a few minutes she would walk into the waiting room and say _I've been looking for you everywhere Josh! Why the hell are you in a hospital?  
_  
The minutes dragged on but Ryder never came and rescued Josh from his misery. Josh decided to get up and look for Jake. Even though Jake had clearly decided he didn't need him Josh still needed his brother. They had always been able to understand what each other was feeling without having to say it. It wasn't like they could read each others minds or anything even like that. They just the connection that brothers close in age generally had. At least they did before Josh ruined it. He made his way to the main entrance. Josh was almost positive that Jake was outside smoking. The cold stung his face as the automatic doors slid open. As soon as he stepped outside he saw Jake sitting down on the curb smoking a cigarette. Josh slowly sat down next him and lit a cigarette. Jake exhaled smoke and turned to face him. "What the hell do you want?"  
"I just need to talk to you. I'm scared dude." Josh replied.  
"Fuck you."  
"Jake please. You're still my brother."  
"Nah I'm not your brother. You stopped being my brother the moment you thought it was ok to fuck my girlfriend."  
"I never thought it was ok Jake."  
"Clearly you did or it wouldn't have happened."  
"I'm sorry Jake I really am. I slept with her before you two even..."  
"I know." Jake cut him.  
"She told you?" Josh asked  
"No. You're just really fucking obvious."  
"After the night I met her I couldn't get her out of my head. I wanted to be with her more than anything. I looked for her everywhere but nobody knew who she was. I thought I was never going to see her again and then when I saw her with you..."Josh paused, "it killed me. I tried to stay away from her but I love her man. I really love her. I'm not making excuses dude. I... just can't control myself when I'm around her. None of this was her fault she kept telling me no but I kept pushing."  
Jake shook his head, "I would have never done something like this to you. You're not the only one who loves her. She means so much to me. She was the first girl I took a chance on and you ruined everything. You've always been better than me. Always. Girls don't want to be with me they just want to hook up and you have no problem getting girls to fall for you. I finally met someone who cared about me. Someone who understood that I'm just sarcastic and not intentionally being an asshole, that I have feelings I'm just not good at showing them, and that I'm an ok guy. Then you came in and made her fall in love with you instead."  
Tears streamed down Josh's face. He hated everything about himself. Jake shared his feelings rarely and when he did it was usually just about something he was pissed at. Josh wished he never would have told Ryder who he really was. _'Why couldn't I just let him be happy?'  
_"I told her you were both dead to me." Jake said quietly breaking the silence, "Then she got hit by a truck. I tried to stop her but it was too late."  
"It wasn't your fault Jake."  
"Yes it was."  
Josh cleared his throat, "You told her we were dead to you?"  
Jake nodded and ashed his cigarette, "I'm not going to tell you that you can't be with her. I'm not that much of a prick, but I can't see you two together. I just can't. I won't."  
"Then we won't be together. She wants you in her life Jake and so do I."  
"Are you serious?"  
"Jake you mean so much to me. I'm not willing to give you up for her."  
"Don't be fucking stupid! You love her so be with her. She made it clear you're the one she wants to be with." Jake said with a hint of bitterness in his voice, "I can't forgive you Josh. I'm too angry right now. Maybe one day I can but  
not today."  
"Fair enough." Josh replied quietly. Josh had to stop himself from smiling. Jake Harris being selfless? Even though Jake didn't forgive him he had at least given him hope.  
"Let's go inside." Jake said as he stood up and stretched.  
They made their way back inside and sat down in the waiting room. They sat in silence both lost in their own thoughts. Josh was terrified he was going to lose Ryder, worried he had lost his brother forever, and confused on if he was willing to be with Ryder even though Jake said it was ok. He didn't want to put his brother through anymore pain.

An hour later the doctor entered the room, Jake and Josh immediately stood up. "Are you two here about Ryder Frydenlund?" The doctor asked. Josh slowly nodded. His heart was pounding and even though the hospital was cold his shirt was sticking to his sweat slickened back. Josh felt as if he was going to pass out at any moment.  
The doctor glanced at his clipboard and then looked back up at them. "She just got out of surgery and she's stable for now." He sighed, "but her chances of survival aren't very high."

please R E V I E W :)


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N Sooo this is the final chapter. Hooray! But I've still got the writing bug! The first chapter of my new story will be up in like two days :)! It's a sequel to so contagious :)**

_I watched as Josh fell to his knees and Jake grabbed his shoulder for support. I heard the doctor say my chances of survival weren't high. What the hell was he talking about? I was standing right behind him. "Jake! Josh!" I called, "look I'm fine." Neither of them looked up at sound of my voice and it irritated me beyond belief. I strode angrily over to them and stood between them and the doctor.  
"I'm right here!" I yelled as I waved my hands in front of their faces. Josh stood up and pulled Jake into a hug. "I can't lose her dude." Josh sobbed. Tears pooled in my eyes as Josh cried into Jake's shoulder. I focused my attention on Jake. He seemed torn between wanting to comfort his brother and the urge to shove him off of him. I could also see pain and worry on his face. I sensed that he felt that I didn't love him. He didn't think it was his place to be scared to lose me I was Josh's girl now. I knew what I was sensing was real. I don't know how I knew I just did. I stepped closer to Jake and rested my hand on his shoulder. "I still love you Jake. Ill make everything right between us I promise." I said quietly. He didn't so much as flinch at my touch. _

Josh held on to his brother so tightly Jake had to peel him off. "She'll be fine." Jake mumbled. "What are we supposed to do?" Josh replied as he wiped his tears, "We're supposed to leave tomorrow but I can't leave her."  
"Me neither. I'm sure dad can find replacements just for the trip. Ill go call him." Jake exited the waiting room and Josh collapsed into the nearest chair. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and rested his head against the wall. _'Don't leave me Ryder.' _He begged. He had wanted her desperately for what seemed liked forever and as soon as it seemed he was finally going to be with her she was being snatched away. Josh tapped his foot anxiously on the floor. It hurt to even imagine losing Ryder. He knew Jake blamed himself for Ryder getting hurt and that if she passed away he wouldn't recover from it. Josh blinked back more tears and rested his chin on his knuckles. "She'll be ok." He said aloud but his voice trembled as he spoke.

A few minutes later Jake returned and sat down in the chair next to him. "What did dad say?" Josh asked.  
"He said to keep him posted." Jake replied.  
Josh nodded and looked down at the floor. He felt bad for inconveniencing his dad but there was no way he could leave Ryder. Josh looked up as Jake nudged him on the arm.  
"What?" He asked. Jake nodded towards the door. Josh looked over to see the doctor once again enter the waiting room. Josh stood up and quickly strode over to him. "What's going on?" Jake asked panic was evident in his voice.  
"Ryder's condition is still the same. I just came to tell you its ok to see her."  
"Is she awake?" Josh asked.  
"No." The doctor replied turning his attention to Josh, "but it might be comforting to be with her." Jake and Josh nodded and followed the doctor out of the room.  
_  
I followed the boys out of the waiting room and into what was apparently my hospital room. My eyes grew wide as I saw myself lying in the bed. I looked disgusting. I was surprised that I was still alive. 'Am I still alive?' I wondered.  
Upon looking down at my heaving chest I saw that I was indeed still alive. My face was swollen and covered in wounds and butterfly bandages. My mouth was forced open by a large tube. 'Probably to help keep me breathing.' I decided. My bruised and battered arms lay limply at my side. I turned around and saw Josh standing directly next to me. His lip trembled slightly as he looked down at me. Shock was etched in his face and I automatically reached out and grabbed his arm. It took me a moment to remember he couldn't feel it. I looked over my shoulder and saw Jake standing behind me. He seemed weary of approaching the bed. His eyes were red and puffy and I realized he probably spent more time outside crying than talking to Phil. I felt a surge of affection towards him and stood beside him.  
'Its ok Jake.' I whispered into his ear. I knew he couldn't hear me but a few moments later he walked over the bed and stood beside his brother. His hand twitched for a moment as if he was going to reach for Josh but it remained at his side. Suddenly I felt light as if I was fading away. My eyes grew heavy and I realized just how easy it would be to die._

Josh didn't glance up as Jake appeared at his side but was comforted by his presence. He gazed down at Ryder but had trouble comprehending what he was looking at. She was unrecognizable. Josh would have done anything to trade places with her. Ryder didn't deserve this. If anyone did it was him. He had betrayed his brother and practically forced Ryder into it. Josh jumped as a loud beeping sound filled the room. He looked around for the source of the noise and his eyes landed on a large monitor beside the bed.  
Ryder had flat lined. Before panic could really set in a doctor and several nurses rushed into the room. Jake and Josh quickly backed up against the wall and were paid no attention to by the doctors. Josh's heart felt like it was going to explode out of his chest. He stole a glance at Jake and saw that he was ghostly white and looked like he was going to pass out any second. Josh looked back towards the hospital bed just as the doctor placed the defibrillator on Ryder's chest. Josh closed his eyes tightly and felt as if he was going to throw up as Ryder's body seized up. Tears streamed down his face. Even though he wanted nothing more than to run from the room his feet felt cemented to the floor. "We're losing her!" The nurse yelled. At those words Josh slid to the floor and instantly Jake was beside him. Jake wrapped his arms around him and held him close. Both were crying uncontrollably and Josh was unsure if it was his tears landing on his arm or his little brother's.

_I watched as the doctors worked on my limp body and the boys held each other. My vision was hazy and I could barely tell Jake from Josh. I was disappearing I could feel it. I had always imagined death being scary but I felt like I was falling asleep after a long day on deck. I walked over to the boys and knelt beside them. Some people never fell in love and for some reason I had been lucky enough to fall in love twice. They would be lost without me. I knew it. Jake would undoubtedly blame himself and seek oblivion in everything he could. Josh would feel abandoned and probably sink into a depression. Again I didn't know how I knew I just did. I glanced over my shoulder at the doctor. At any moment he would pronounce me dead. 'Wait a minute.' I thought, 'I don't want to die.'_

"She's back!" The doctor said with relief. The loud beep that filled the room was replaced by a series of low beeps. Josh slowly stood up and pulled Jake with him. "Thank god." Jake mumbled. Josh laughed out of nervousness and clapped his brother on the back. The doctor turned and walked across the room towards them. "She's ok for now," the doctor said calmly, "We just need to wait and see if she wakes up." Josh and Jake were both in to much shock to do anything more than nod.  
"I'll have two cots brought in." He continued.  
The doctor left the room and the nurses followed quickly behind him. "That was..." Jake began.  
"Yeah I know." Josh finished for him.

Ryder slowly opened her eyes and looked around the room. The sun crept through the blinds and landed on the cots beside her bed. They were empty so she assumed the boys had gone to eat or something. She closed her eyes and images she couldn't make sense of began flooding her mind. She had the feeling people often had when they woke up after having an odd dream. The more she tried to remember the more the images faded away. The only images she could hold on to were Jake and Josh crying together and a doctor standing over her._ 'Must be the drugs they have me on.'_ She decided. A few minutes later the doctor entered. Ryder attempted to smile but the large tube in her mouth made it look more like she was growling at him. "Glad to see your awake!" The doctor said happily. Ryder tried to respond but the tube prevented it. She furrowed her eyebrows angrily making the doctor laugh. "Don't worry sweetie I'm about to remove the tube."  
Ryder nodded and looked away from him. "You must be wondering where your boyfriend is?" The doctor said as he glanced at his clipboard. Ryder nodded. "He went to the cafeteria with his brother." Ryder wondered if he was referring to Jake or Josh as her boyfriend.

Ryder licked her lips as soon as the tube was removed. Her mouth felt incredibly dry. "Water?" She asked hoarsely.  
The doctor grabbed a small pitcher on her bedside table and poured water into a Styrofoam cup. The cold water felt amazing as it hit her throat. Ryder lay in the bed impatiently as the doctor poked and prodded her over the next few minutes. Ryder smiled widely as Jake entered the room. Jake's mouth fell open and he immediately left the room. "Josh she's awake!" She heard him call. She heard loud footsteps and a few seconds later Josh entered the room and strode quickly to her side. The doctor winked and exited the room. "Hey baby." He said quietly, "how do you feel?"  
"Like hell." She replied, "why are you whispering?"  
Josh laughed and shrugged his shoulders, "I was worried about you."  
"It will take more than a pickup truck to take me out."  
Josh smiled, "thank god."  
Ryder looked over Josh's shoulder, "Where's Jake? I want to talk to him." Josh nodded towards the doorway and Jake smiled uncomfortably. He walked slowly over to her and took Josh's spot.  
"So your ok then?" He asked.  
Ryder smiled, "Yeah I think so."  
"I'm glad. Really glad but I think since your ok now I'm going to go home."  
"Please don't." Ryder pleaded. She had been expecting Jake to say that but she had been hoping he wouldn't. Even though Jake said she could be with Josh she wouldn't do it until he was honestly ok with it.  
"I need you here." She added.  
"You've got Josh." He replied.  
"Jake...What's it going to take to fix this?"  
"Ryder you're in the hospital. This isn't the time to talk about it."  
"When is the time to talk Jake?" Ryder's eyes were already filling with tears.  
"Please don't cry Ryder you...you...you're going to fuck up your band aids."  
Ryder laughed, "I certainly hope there is more than just band aids on my face."  
"Shut up." Jake replied with a smirk. It felt like forever since the last time she had seen that smirk. Almost instantly however, the smirk disappeared and was replaced by a frown. "I'm sorry Ryder I can't stay here."  
"Jake please stay." Josh cut in.  
Jake shook his head, "I don't want to stay here! I told you once I found out Ryder was ok I'm out of here."  
"Jake..." Ryder said slowly, "I need you here."  
"You've got Josh now. You don't need me." Jake replied.  
"Ill always need you. I may be in love with Josh but I still love you more than anything. I owe you my life."

Josh looked up at Ryder's words. She had said that she loved Jake more than anything. Why didn't the words sting him? Why did he have to fight the urge to smile?  
Jake rubbed his eyes wearily, "ill stay until your released. But then I'm going to leave for a while. I'll drop all your clothes off at Josh's house."  
"Thank you." Josh said quietly so that Ryder didn't hear.  
Jake gave him a half shrug and then sat down in the corner of the room. Josh pushed Ryder's hair out of her face and smiled, "I love you."  
"I love you too." She replied, "umm... Can I talk to Jake alone?"  
"Sure." Josh replied as he bent down to kiss Ryder on the forehead. He wasn't worried or concerned with what Ryder needed to talk to Jake about. He was confident that Ryder was in love with him and way too happy about her being ok to worry.

Josh exited the room and closed the door behind him. Jake slowly walked over to Ryder and rested his hands on the metal bed railing. "What?" Jake asked slowly. Ryder's eyes filled with tears as he looked down at her. Before when he looked at her she saw love and mischief and now she saw sadness and animosity. "Please forgive me Jacob."  
Jake shook his head and averted her gaze. "I didn't want to fall in love with him Jake. Do you think I wanted to betray you?"  
"No." Jake replied as he looked back at her.  
"I just want you to still care about me. I don't want to live without you as a part of my life."  
"I'll always care about you Ryder. You're my first love. I guess I can forgive you but I won't forgive Josh."  
"Why not?"  
Instantly Jake's face hardened and Ryder wished she hadn't asked.  
"There are some things you just don't do. Everyone thinks that Josh is the good guy and I'm the asshole but I would have never done what he did. I told him I was in love with you and he didn't care."  
"He did care Jake."  
Ryder was relieved beyond belief that Jake had forgiven her but she still wanted him to make up with Josh. She was starting to feel that it was impossible.  
"No he didn't. He cares now that it's too late." Jake said sourly.  
"Will you at least think about forgiving him? Please just think about it. He loves you so much. Way more than he loves me."  
Jake rolled his eyes, "Yeah ill think about it if it will get you to shut up."

Josh slowly sipped his vitamin water and wondered how much longer Ryder and Jake would need to talk. Even though his brother was still furious with him Josh was still extremely grateful for his presence. Jake had been there to support him even though he clearly didn't want to be. Josh could see on Ryder's face how happy she was to see Jake. He knew that she had expected him to be the only one there. Even if Jake wasn't going to forgive him he was still glad to see Jake was making steps to forgive Ryder.

Two weeks later Josh was pushing Ryder out of the hospital in a wheelchair. Time had gone by painstakingly slow and Josh was grateful he could finally take Ryder home and start working on their relationship. As he pushed her out of the main entrance he spotted Jake standing near the curb smoking a cigarette. Jake walked slowly over to them. "You going home?" Josh asked.  
"Nah I'm going to stay with my friend Jerry in Arizona for a few weeks." Jake replied.  
"To party?"  
"You know it."  
Josh smiled, "Maybe when you get back you can call me and we can talk or hang out... or something."  
Josh shifted uncomfortably it was the most awkward goodbye of his life. Jake took a drag of off of his cigarette and looked at everything but Josh.  
"Yea maybe." He replied.  
"It would mean a lot to me dude."  
"Yeah I know."

Jake looked down at Ryder and then kissed the top of her head. "Take care of my brother." He said quietly so that only Ryder could hear him. Ryder winked and hugged him tightly. She only let go when he pried her hands off of him.  
"I love you." She said in a choked voice.  
"Of course you do. Look at me I am the Jake Harris."  
Ryder snorted and rolled her eyes. She then proceeded to kick him in the shin. "I'm just playing I love you too." Jake said as he rubbed his shin. Jake straightened up and faced his brother. "You better be good to her."  
"Don't worry I will."  
"Anyways I'm getting out of here. I'll call you."  
Jake waved goodbye and walked away. A wide grin spread across Josh's face. "What?" Ryder asked as she eyed him suspiciously.  
"He said he'd call me." Josh replied simply.  
Ryder smiled and kissed Josh's hand. She knew how much that simple act from his brother would mean to him.  
Jake wasn't going to forgive him right away and she knew that, but she had a feeling that soon Jake and Josh would be bickering and fighting over random unimportant things just like normal.

_Today tomorrow seems so far away  
And the wait in vain, yeah  
So safe, in the blinding light of love unchained  
In yesterday's grave, yeah_

_The truth that could set souls free  
Is buried within sweet pandemonium  
Concealed by disbelief  
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium_

_Afraid that everything remains unchanged  
In this fragile dream, yeah  
Ashamed of the shattered remains  
Of promises made, yeah_

_The truth that could set souls free  
Is buried within sweet pandemonium  
Concealed by disbelief  
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium_

_Drained by the anger and grief  
Fazed by the envy and greed  
The secret cries for a release  
The lucidity hidden deep in sweet pandemonium_

_The truth that could set souls free  
Is buried within sweet pandemonium  
Concealed by disbelief  
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium_

_**Sweet pandemonium- HIM**_

**Please review :)**

**I really appreciate it!**


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